tweetcomedyclub: and we're off @tiernandouieb is talking to people
tweetcomedyclub: @tiernandouieb. Oops. The internet is flaky but it could work
tweetcomedyclub: I think we're off properly. The internet seems to be working. Tiernan is talking to the crowd & trying to find out if they tweet.
tweetcomedyclub: @btopia is it like that? she is here
tweetcomedyclub: and @topcat29
tweetcomedyclub: we have no idea what we're doing. @Tiernandouieb is going to bring the first act on
tweetcomedyclub: can you please make as much noise as possible at home & annoy your neighbours? cheers!
tweetcomedyclub: it;s time for @jamiekilstein
Jamie Kilstein
Jamie Kilstein: So the only short jokes I have are incredibly I would like to start by saying, twitter, I am sorry.
Jamie Kilstein: A bunch of republicans in America have been protesting saying that the founding fathers of america would want everyone to have guns, including retarded people.
Jamie Kilstein: They were chanting, saying the "the founding fathers would be astonished! The founding fathers would be astonished!"
Jamie Kilstein: You know what else would astonish the founding fathers?
Jamie Kilstein: The internet & Women Voting. White people doing their own laundry. Those guys were assholes. Why do we look up to them?
Jamie Kilstein: 'well i live my life by the principles of the founding fathers, so when I'm fucking my slave, on we like to call a lazy tuesday, blah blah tuberculosis.'
Jamie Kilstein: Fuck those guys. The constitution was their one hit wonder. They are the vanilla ice of the political world.
Jamie Kilstein: OK. That was my political joke. Now to win back the crowd with some relationship humor!
Jamie Kilstein: I have a girlfriend. And my girlfriend only gets her period once a year. Which is awesome. The downside to that is we have to get A LOT of abortions.
Jamie Kilstein: I tried that joke last month in texas and it didn't go well. I think because half the audience were white rich conservitive women and the other half....fetuses.
Jamie Kilstein: Last one, this will get everyone on my side. I know this because I have taken many comedy workshops. Do you like impressions?!
Jamie Kilstein: Great. This is my impression of God. Here we go. My impression of god....
Jamie Kilstein: I'm just kidding, there is no god. It's up to us to take care of each other. Back me up fellas! Goodnight!
tweetcomedyclub: @jamiekilstein is at Assembly Rooms @ George St performing "Revenge of the Serfs" this fringe at 21:00 daily
tweetcomedyclub: @robrouse is up now!
tweetcomedyclub: he's going to do a song. How will it work?
Rob Rouse
Rob Rouse: this is a song about my grandmother, she lost my grandad about 30 years ago, in woolworths, tragic he drowned in the pick and mix, but it's what he would have wanted....
Rob Rouse: This is a song to the tune of teenage dirtbag.
Rob Rouse: its a song about my nan and her new boyfriend ken who is a dick
Rob Rouse: Her name is irene She is 102 She doesn't clean Herself as well as she used to
Rob Rouse: She's my dads mum And she's lots of fun But she doesn't know who I am She can't remember that I'm her grandson....
Rob Rouse: Cos she's just a senile old lady baby Comes round on Friday but thinks it's still tuesday Wayne Rooney would think she's his ideal lady... She gets confused...
Rob Rouse: And her boyfriends a dick He's got a Zimmerman frame And a walking stick
Rob Rouse: Cos he is in constant pain He has a blue car and it has three wheels Parks it whereever he feels
Rob Rouse: And wardens don't give a damn about it Cos hes got an orange sticker baby Top speed of thirty or thirty one maybe Goes round roundabouts the wrong way he... Gets confused....
Rob Rouse: Oh no...granny...her teeth fell out when they were kissing....
tweetcomedyclub: @robrouse is on at Pleasance Courtyard at 21:00 in "My Family ... and the Dog That Scared Jesus" go & see!
tweetcomedyclub: @escarius is up on stage now - I have to tweet for him as he hasnt written stuff in advance
Pete Johansson
Pete Johansson: before you ask susan boyle for an autograph - make sure its her!
Pete Johansson: i like dutch people as they have no crime - because nothing is illegal!
Pete Johansson: the best thing about the dutch is that they dont speak english - but they correct those of us that do for no reason at all
Pete Johansson: @escarius is going so fast I cant keep up
Pete Johansson: something about a bicycle
tweetcomedyclub: "Naked Pictures of My Life" is on at the Underbelly at 20:45 this fringe - that's @escarius' show - go and check it out
tweetcomedyclub: werewolves are wolves that just dont know where they are @tiernandouieb
tweetcomedyclub: Next up, Jim Smallman
Jim Smallman
Jim Smallman: Hello there, I'm Jim Smallman. I only normally use Twitter to complain or write bad jokes.
Jim Smallman: Tonight instead of my usual storytelling I'll treat you to some dross and silliness.
Jim Smallman: Do please enter my tattoo competition, by the way. Http://
Jim Smallman: Right then. Rants first.
Jim Smallman: My mum is daft. To illustrate she said the other day "if your gran was alive today, she'd be dead".
Jim Smallman: Lady GaGa may think she's doing avant-garde art-pop, but my mum still thinks she's a slag.
Jim Smallman: Don't balance out your 4x4 ownership with a novelty tyre cover. We all still think you're a fetid donkey penis.
Jim Smallman: Surely the Veronicas are merely a 2009 version of TaTu, but with lesbianism replaced by incest?
Jim Smallman: Now, awful jokes. I bought a pasta restaurant and a dog home the other day. You know me: in for the penne, in for the pound.
Jim Smallman: What did Archimedes say when he discovered cystitis? Urethra.
Jim Smallman: The hamburglar was a nazi sympathiser. Remember what he said: "Rommel Rommel Rommel Rommel".
Jim Smallman: My dad has a hip problem. OCD. All the cool kids have it.
Jim Smallman: My uncle had a heart attack at a Bavarian sausage factory. That's an unfortunate turn for the wurst.
Jim Smallman: Me and my friend Danny McLoughlin have a game called #footballingwrestlers. Play along at home.
Jim Smallman: Basically take a footballer and cross him with a wrestler.
Jim Smallman: Macho Man Robbie Savage. #footballingwrestlers
Bad Ass Bryan Gunn #footballingwrestlers
Jim Smallman: "Stone Cold" Dean Austin #footballingwrestlers
"Big" John Stead #footballingwrestlers
Jim Smallman: Prince Albert Riera #footballingwrestlers
The Fabulous Gerd Muller #footballingwrestlers
Jim Smallman: Honest, my show is better than my twitter babbling.
Thanks for listening lovely people. Ta x
tweetcomedyclub: @jimsmallman is here at the GRV every night at 22:40 when he's performing his show "The Boy Next Door Gone Wrong" for only £5
tweetcomedyclub: tech problems with @bigcox - so he's going to tweet his set remotely. follow him now for a moment. Go COX
Chris Cox
Chris Cox: Hello. I'm Chris Cox a mind reader who can't read minds.
Chris Cox: I shall now attempt a trick
I need a sexy cute volunteer with long beautiful legs and a hot little arse... Tiernan can help.
Chris Cox: I shall now attempt a trick
Actually everyone can do this, all I want you to do is pick your right foot up off the floor.
Chris Cox: I shall now attempt a trick
Then start moving it from the ankle round in a clockwise direction. Keep doing that. Now place your right hand out in front of you.
Chris Cox: With your ankle still moving, write a big number 6 in the air with your arm.
Chris Cox: And now I'll make your foot change direction.
tweetcomedyclub: @carldonnelly
Carl Donnelly
Carl Donnelly: when i was born, my parents were both very famous comedians - but they were killed by a dark lord comic, so i ended up having to grow up
Carl Donnelly: in a school for gifted comics - and before i left, i killed the dark comic that killed my parents. and here i am.
Carl Donnelly: i have terrible hand eye co ordination, but its fine as I have great foot ear co ordination
Carl Donnelly: if you throw something at me, i wont catch it but if you throw it at me i;ll kick the fuck out of it
Carl Donnelly: in my spare time I am a vampire. it doesnt work out so well as im allergic to garlic, crucufixes & daylight
Carl Donnelly: like blade, but with none of the strengths but all of the weaknesses
tweetcomedyclub: Relax Everyone, It's @CarlDonnelly! - that's his show and it's on at the Underbelly's Delhi Belly at 21:05
tweetcomedyclub: Tiernan is talking about Tron
tweetcomedyclub: KIOSK OF CHAMPIONS!
Kiosk Of Champions
Kiosk Of Champions: Stu: hi everyone, we're sketch double-act Kiosk of Champions. I'm Stuart Goldsmith.
Kiosk Of Champions: Rich: and i'm Richard Sandling
Kiosk Of Champions: Stu: I'm a professional stand-up comedian, and Richard is a... stand-up comedian.
Kiosk Of Champions: Rich: I'm having a go.
Kiosk Of Champions: Stu: the way the double-act works is very simple - I'm debonair, and he's Ryan Air. Twitter is actually the ideal forum for us to work together.
Kiosk Of Champions: Rich: because we don't have to be in the same room.
Kiosk Of Champions: Stu: you might not be aware that we have eschewed the traditional elements of sketch comedy, such as props, costumes...
Kiosk Of Champions: rich: rehearsals
Kiosk Of Champions: stu: but it's not coz we're lazy, it's coz we prefer to be like the special forces - we like to improvise with the limited resources available to us.
Kiosk Of Champions: rich: yeah we're like the gurkhas. in that our contribution largely goes unrecognised.
Kiosk Of Champions: stu: and as soon as this gig's finished we have to leave the country.
Kiosk Of Champions: rich: too little, too late, Lumley!
Kiosk Of Champions: stu: and now the moon sketch...
Kiosk Of Champions: rich: which we're going to attempt in MIME.
Kiosk Of Champions: both: *complicated mime of the moon landings, stu's is technically quite good, richard's is rubbish but "hilarious"*
Kiosk Of Champions: both: *stu rehearses the "one small step" speech, about to walk down the steps onto the moon's surface*
Kiosk Of Champions: both: *at the last moment Richard pushes past and runs down the steps, becoming the first man on the moon*
Kiosk Of Champions: both: thanks very much, goodnight!
tweetcomedyclub: @squat_betty aka Rich Sandling is bringing his Perfect Movie to the free fringe at 13:15 Also 15:45 at Pleasance Dome "@KioskChampions"
tweetcomedyclub: @catiewilkins is up now she's not sent any one liners over, so im typing fast
Catie Wilkins
Catie Wilkins: im not one of those comics that cant turn it off after a gig - sometimes i forget to turn it on before a gig.
Catie Wilkins: Ive got a friend whos very influenced by the films he sees - his dad wont let him watch brokeback mountain
Catie Wilkins: stand up is a slightly more legitmate way of getting attention than faking a panic attack
Catie Wilkins: My mum thinks lord of the rings is about henry 8th - it was set "around his time"
Catie Wilkins: i was doing some touristy stuff in edinburgh - i went to the ghost tour - i was disappointed - no ghosts. even the tour guide was alive
Catie Wilkins: i think that penises are like buses - not because ive ever been in a situation when 2 come at once. I just realy like riding them.
Catie Wilkins: and being filmed on CCTV
tweetcomedyclub: @catiewilkins is appearing in "Its Got Jokes In" at Espionage at 3.35pm each day. It's free!
tweetcomedyclub: Matt Kirshen is up now
tweetcomedyclub: he is talking into my mouse
Matt Kirshen
Matt Kirshen: Hello people in the room, and people watching from the safety of the internet, well done, that's smart
Matt Kirshen: we live in violent times, but not as violent as the press would have you believe - we're meant to be scared of children.
Matt Kirshen: Kids everywhere, running wild... but also, apparently... they're too fat to run
Matt Kirshen: All kids supposedly, scary and fat. Here come the scary fat kids over the horizon. Stay close to their toes, they can't touch you
Matt Kirshen: Apparently we live in a time with THE most unhealthy generation of children ever....
Matt Kirshen: ... There's been generations of children that had the plague
Matt Kirshen: There's no historical perspective. What's less healthy? Computer games, or trench foot?
Matt Kirshen: Dungeons And Dragons, or dungeons?
Matt Kirshen: And dragons
Matt Kirshen: -Where's Master William? -Why he's out in the castle courtyard with Tommy the Leper Boy, playing catch the rat amongst their own waste.
Matt Kirshen: -Well, at least they're not eating sugary snacks..... They rot your teeth
Matt Kirshen: -Your teeth are made of wood.
Matt Kirshen: That's pretty much my time. It's been fun. Though you do know this gig brings us one step closer to the robots taking over.
tweetcomedyclub: @mattkirshen is Shorter than Napoleon. That's also the name of his show - at The Pleasance Courtyard 22:20 each day
tweetcomedyclub: And now, @lukewrightpoet
Luke Wright
Luke Wright: Hi my name is Luke. You probably all know someone like me. Someone who likes being the centre of attention. In fact there's probably some of them on the bill tonight.
Luke Wright: The kind of people who think it's appropriate to quote Blackadder on a first date. This is my life.
Luke Wright: this poem's called Luke’s Got A Joke
Luke Wright: Imagine a pub on a bright afternoon, as warm autumn sunlight is cast through the room
Luke Wright: a second pint started, the discourse fermented a large group of friends feeling vaguely contented.
Luke Wright: But damn all this chit-chat for Luke is not in it he’s had no attention for nearly a minute his lips start to quiver, his head starts to dip He topples his pint as he stands and lets rip
Luke Wright: Luke’s got a joke! Luke’s got a story! Look out for his humorous lines about Tories Luke’s got a viewpoint so perk up your ears He’s really quite droll when he’s had a few beers.
Luke Wright: Let’s cut to a wake and some folksy guitar the subject of death trumping Luke’s repertoire which simply won’t do so he bellows the question:
Luke Wright: Who here likes a good Austin Powers impression? and without an answer he’s poofed up his hair he’s stuck out his teeth and said yeah baby yeah
Luke Wright: till everyone’s squirming and forcing a smile and regretting not breast-feeding Luke as a child. Luke’s got a joke! Luke’s got a punchline!
Luke Wright: All of it fresh from the literary frontline Luke’s got opinions – from headlines to sport he’s not listening to you, ‘cause he’s planning retorts.
Luke Wright: Let’s visit Chez Luke where ol’ Luke and his missus Are plying their guests with some coffee and biscuits and ‘course Luke holds court like some navel gazed teen
Luke Wright: collects his applause and then exits the scene. A friend takes the chance to recount her weekend, though as her witty yarn starts to reach its crescendo
Luke Wright: a noise from the doorway mean all turn to see dear Luke who says: I done asparagus wee! Luke’s got a joke! Luke’s got a gift.
Luke Wright: for writing himself into those urban myths remember that weird thing, that one off, that fluke believe it or not that all happened to Luke.
Luke Wright: He’s great at the voices, sit back, watch him act -- it’s like Eddie Izzard is here in the flat no Luke, no, you don’t come across as a twat
Luke Wright: do your Mrs Doyle, that’s brilliant that. No Luke, don’t stop Luke, we are keen to hear more it’s better when you say “don’t mention the war”
Luke Wright: forget that night out at the Comedy Store we’d rather hear Luke do some Blackadder 4. Luke’s got a joke! Luke’s got a gag!
Luke Wright: Repeats near verbatim from bad style mags
Luke Wright: Luke’s got a verdict, shut up, let him rave and then when he’s finished give him what he craves.
Luke Wright: If you see some students enthralled in their lesson a couple of lovers just stealing a second a group of old buddies just chewing the fat or perhaps some old dears going yakkety yak
Luke Wright: be sure Luke’s not far from these charming vignettes preparing to act out the Dead Parrot sketch or offer some line from the cavernous jaws of a life that’s just echo and hollow applause.
tweetcomedyclub: @LukeWrightPoet is at the Underbelly with "The Petty Concerns of Luke Wright" at 18:00 each night.
tweetcomedyclub: Time for a break
Twinterval / Twintermission
tweetcomedyclub: I think were coming back for more. Its very hot in here. Hope its not so hot for you at home or wherever you are
tweetcomedyclub: jason cook everyone!
Jason Cook
Jason Cook: Jason doesnt do short jokes as theyre short & cruel like a sadist midget
Jason Cook: my wife doesnt like anal sex, but i still make her watch me anyway
Jason Cook: im a geordie & my wife is jewish, she got annoyed when I said our kids would be judys
Jason Cook: i wish i was a south african lesbian cos ive always wanted to say the word clitoris (in a s. african accent)
Jason Cook: i wish i was a paedophile as theres nothing more rewarding than encouraging potential
Jason Cook: i wish i was my wife cos then id be right all the fucking time
Jason Cook: i wish i was a midget cos......YOUD BE A MIDGET
tweetcomedyclub: @jasonmarkcook is part of "Fucking Funny for a Fiver" which is on at The Tron as part of @fivepoundfringe 23:40 most evenings
tweetcomedyclub: this is now MATT GREEN
Matt Green
Matt Green: Hello! I don’t usually do one-liners. I usually tell stories. Turns out it’s quite hard to tell a story with just 140 characters.
Matt Green: Not that my stories usually have more than 140 characters. I’m not Dickens. They usually have one character: me. Being hapless. Anyway, here goes...!
Matt Green: I saw my all-time favourite poster in the window of a cafe. It just said: “FOOD THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH TO EAT!”
Matt Green: Surely that’s the minimum requirement of a cafe?
Matt Green: I was worried about swine flu so I bought a thermometer. On the box it says “can be used orally or rectally”. And I thought: Yeah...
Matt Green: But you have to make a choice... a household. Maybe they should make them in 2 different colours. Perhaps red and brown?
Matt Green: I realised recently that I’m a member of a gym in the same way that North Korea is a member of the UN.
Matt Green: I’m rarely there, and whenever I do turn up I make a mockery of the point of the place!
Matt Green: Although unlike North Korea I have no Weapons of Mass Destruction...unless you count these bad boys (my arms)! Which you probably don’t...
Matt Green: I saw a billboard recently which said: “CHILD PORN DVDS FOUND IN HIGH RD”.
Matt Green: The thing is, I misread it and thought it said “HI RES”. I thought: we’ve got some picky paedophiles round here!
Matt Green: “Do you fancy a look at Lolita Heaven 7?” “Not unless you have it on Blu Ray!”
Matt Green: I recently had a loft conversion. It converted to Islam. Now all of our neighbours’ lofts have become a little bit racist.
Matt Green: I read a headline in the paper which said: “Edinburgh Set For Rubbish Strike”. That’s a bit unfair, isn’t it?
Matt Green: At least let them HAVE the strike before reviewing it!
Matt Green: I use the trains a lot because I don’t drive. Not because I can’t, because I don’t want to. And because I can’t.
Matt Green: I was on a train recently when the screen on the platform said it was going one place, the screen on the train said somewhere else...
Matt Green: ...and a tannoy announcement said another totally different place!
Matt Green: I was worried so asked the guard: could you tell me where this train is going please? And he just said: “well where are YOU going?”
Matt Green: So I said: you don’t need to know that! Could you just tell me where the TRAIN is going please?
Matt Green: He said: “No. You tell me where YOU’RE going, THEN I’ll tell you where the TRAIN is going!”
Matt Green: I had no idea I had such POWER! I thought trains were clear about where they’re going, regardless of the wishes of any passengers on board.
Matt Green: Surely that’s the reason why you don’t get many train hijackings... [brandishes a gun] “Take me to London!”
Matt Green: “Very well sir, but you’ll have to get a replacement bus service from Peterborough!”
Matt Green: Thanks for listening and/or reading! I’ve been Matt Green / @mattgreencomedy.
Matt Green: Check out my show “Truth & Pleasure” at the Pleasance Hut @ 7.15pm every day. Bye!
tweetcomedyclub: Now we have @gerryhowell
Gerry Howell
Gerry Howell: Gerry's poem
Gerry Howell: I was born in a shoe in brick lane, my father was a cobbler, my mother was insane.
Well, you'd have to be to marry a cobbler.
Gerry Howell: people used to say.
Nowadays there much less stigma attached to mending shoes,
it's just like being gay
Gerry Howell: i read in the newspaper - peanuts are not really nuts, they're more of a bean. did you know that? botanical correctness gone mad
Gerry Howell: i wrote to the royal mail the other day, i thought they'd appreciate it. they deliver so much mail, but none of its for them
Gerry Howell: knock knock - who's there - j edgar hoover
Gerry Howell: j edgar hoover who? j edgar hoover me j edgar hoover my dead body
Gerry Howell: i built a catflap the other day, but i threw it out of the window.
Gerry Howell: i dont have a cat, it was a big waste of time, but it suddenly turned into a cat, and landed on its feet, but it got run over by a truck
Gerry Howell: so now its a flat cat, and theres no need for a cat flap
Gerry Howell: i like to play musical chairs with my grandmother. because she's deaf. it's not as cruel as it sounds because she's in a wheelchair.
Gerry Howell: i went into nandos and ordered a chicken and an egg just to see what would come first.
tweetcomedyclub: @gerryhowell is presenting "Gerry Howell's incubation hour" at 17:15 every day at the Underbelly. Be sure to get along
tweetcomedyclub: kent valentine up now -
Kent Valentine
Kent Valentine: Hi twitterverse, you can probably tell from my accent that I'm Australian. I moved over to the UK because... well... my country was on fire.
Kent Valentine: And so I thought: Let's go somewhere where there's little chance of that happening.
Kent Valentine: My name's Kent, which in Australia, is a good name. Here in the UK however, it's akin to walking around being called Queensland.
Kent Valentine: I've had to leave my phone on for the gig because my fiancee back in London is 8 1/2 months pregnant, so this could be a really short spot.
Kent Valentine: We had fun telling people that we were having a baby. My preferred method: Showing them an ultrasound and saying "I made that with my balls"
Kent Valentine: My fiancée has a boy's name, which is great, b/c when you tell your homophobic Gran that you're having a baby with someone called Charly...
Kent Valentine: ...her face will go through a range of emotions that will earn you 5 star ratings if you record it and upload it to youtube.
Kent Valentine: Here are two for the typography fans: 1) Times New Roman is fooling no one, we know that underneath those serifs it's just Arial in a suit.
Kent Valentine: 2) Why is it that Times New Roman is the only font "serious enough" to report the news? I'm not saying Comic Sans MS, but come on...
Kent Valentine: ... surely the global financial shit-fest would be made so much better with a dash of Helvetica and some sexy kerning.
Kent Valentine: 3) My absolute favourite font is WingDings; it's like the alphabet went to a fancy dress party. "Look everyone, Q is dressed as a telephone"
Kent Valentine: It's time we stopped calling aliens "Intelligent Life". All they do is crop circles and probe farmers, so I don't think they went to uni.
Kent Valentine: In fact, if ALL they do is burn-outs and anal, we could even stop calling them aliens and just call them "other farmers".
Kent Valentine: People say that you should put your blood, sweat and tears into your work, but if you make cakes for a living, just use flour.
Kent Valentine: I hate it when bakeries have a sign up saying "Home-made pies". Why are you making them at home? You fuckers own a bakery.
Kent Valentine: There are 2 foxes near our house, we've called them Darth & Cunt-Face. 1 has breathing difficulties, the other looks like Simon Cowell.
Kent Valentine: CCTV cameras always have signs next to them saying "this camera is here for your comfort and security"…
Kent Valentine: …but what they mean is “we don’t trust you with our shit.”
Kent Valentine: I hate how SPAM is always so negative. I send out my own unwanted, but affirming emails. "You don't need a Rolex & that cock is big enough!"
Kent Valentine: When a 2nd hand shop has a sign saying "Turn your jewellery into cash" what they mean is "turn somebody else's jewellery into heroin"
Kent Valentine: Apples that are too floury to enjoy, but too crunchy to throw away in a world with not enough food, can just get fucked.
tweetcomedyclub: @kentvalentine is part of "Fucking Funny for a Fiver" which is on at The Tron as part of @fivepoundfringe 23:40 most evenings
tweetcomedyclub: TOM CRAINE EVERYONE
Thomas Craine
Thomas Craine: I didn’t have a TV till I was 15, so where as most people draw their comedic influences from sitcoms and cartoons…
Thomas Craine: I drew mine from loneliness and the Bible…
Thomas Craine: So brace yourself for gross introspection and vague homophobia.
Thomas Craine: Didn’t have a TV at home, but we did have a radio, as if my parents only had a problem with the visual end of entertainment
Thomas Craine: They’d tear all the images from my storybooks…
Thomas Craine: Quite a depressing state of affairs to be handed a pop up book when all that’s left is the mechanism
Thomas Craine: Once foolishly made the mistake of playing Chinese whispers on a school trip to Tiananmen Square and was subsequently arrested for conspiracy
Thomas Craine: Half expected to return home to find they’d replace all family photos with framed descriptions of where we’d been…
Thomas Craine: “Oooh, Spain 92… look how tanned it says you were”
Thomas Craine: I think, to deny your child a TV because you think it’ll lead him astray, is a little over zealous…
Thomas Craine: Its like denying your child a Rubix Cube because your concerned its RIGID segregation of colours will lead him towards racism
Thomas Craine: You will not walk in on him to see him tipexing every side the same colour screaming "why can’t it be like this father?"
Thomas Craine: That is not how causality works.
Thomas Craine: no tv meant i wasnt affected by advertising, the bible was my argos catalogue- one christmas i just asked for the gift of fogiveness.
Thomas Craine: i didnt get it so threw a massive tantrum, but it was ok, my mum forgave me
tweetcomedyclub: @thomascraine will be telling you about his "Comfort Blanket" at The Pleasance, every day: 19:15
Justin Moorhouse
Justin Moorhouse: Justin is doing it deadpan: (: im not having a nice time - i went to the toilet the other day in my venue - i was having a pee and someone
Justin Moorhouse: had put my flyer in the urinal - i was literally peeing on my own face. a man came in & saw it and looked at me like i was the weirdest
Justin Moorhouse: deviant he had ever seen. But because Im a massive publicist, I let him see what time i was on. imagine my pain when he pissed it back
Justin Moorhouse: and said hed already seen the reviews.
Justin Moorhouse: twitter crashed so we missed most of that, sorry
tweetcomedy2: NAT LUURTSEMA now!
Nat Luurtsema
Nat Luurtsema: Im from London, i live on a road that's 2 miles of fried chicken shops, it's a chicken's worst nightmare.
Nat Luurtsema: An adult chicken, obviously - the unborn are more scared of Easter.
Nat Luurtsema: My flatmate's a Christian, + for a giggle i like to draw " at the beginning + the end of his Bible. To make it all sound sarcastic.
Nat Luurtsema: I cried recently + my tears rolled neatly into the wrinkles under my eyes, then dropped precisely into the wrinkles by the side of my mouth.
Nat Luurtsema: Essentially my face has built gutters for my tears. It's laid the infrastructure for large-scale misery, what is it expecting?!
Nat Luurtsema: I bought a facial scrub recently. Made no difference to my face, just wore my fingers down to stumps. I do look younger now, but only from the wrists down.
Nat Luurtsema: My boyfriend won't hold my hand anymore, he says it's creepy. Says a romantic walk now feels like an abduction.
Nat Luurtsema: He's a lovely man. He treats me like a princess. Of a republic. Ignores me mainly, and won't let me make decisions.
Nat Luurtsema: He looks just like me, so if we have kids and he leaves me i wont end up stuck with kids that look like him. They'll look like me, and i'll tell everyone i made them by myself, like a maggot.
Nat Luurtsema: I probably shouldn't have kids. Whenever im cooking food i keep pulling it out of the oven to check how its doing and then i ruin it.
Nat Luurtsema: If i became pregnant Id struggle to break the habit. Couldn't resist a peek.
Nat Luurtsema: As a kid i played alone, i'd find a line of ants scurrying one behind the other, creep up on them, pick up the one at the end, swing him around my head, put him back and run away.
Nat Luurtsema: Because who the hell is going to believe him when he tells them what just happened to him?
tweetcomedy2: and now, Andrew O'Neill!
Andrew O'Neill
Andrew O'Neill: Good evening! Take my wife!
My mother-in-law is so fat... she had one of those bands put on her stomach.
Andrew O'Neill: How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? JAM DOUGHNUTS!
Andrew O'Neill: Two nuns in the bath. One says “Have you got the soap?” The other replies “Yes, it does, doesn't it?”
Andrew O'Neill: Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? SANGRIA!!
Andrew O'Neill: “I've got a new doctor.” “Is he a witch doctor?” “No, he's fully qualified.”
Andrew O'Neill: Did you hear about the dyslexic who went to a toga party as a ROMAN!?? Yeah. They're not idiots.
Andrew O'Neill: Diamonds are a girl's best friend. The dog is man's best friend. Little menthol lozenges are a fisherman's best friend.
Andrew O'Neill: Starburst do not contribute to your 5 portions of fresh fruit and veg a day.
Andrew O'Neill: The Japanese are fine about Hiroshima, but touchy about Nagasaki.
Andrew O'Neill: Mountains are the Earth's boobs.
Turkish Delight is made from Kurdish children.
Andrew O'Neill: The internet is switched off on Sundays so they can sweep behind the big computer.
Andrew O'Neill: The film Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle is based on The Iliad.
Andrew O'Neill: The proprietor of the wallpaper shop FADS didn't expect it to last.
Andrew O'Neill: Billy Ocean stretches from Alaska to the coast of Russia.
Funfairs are often neither.
Andrew O'Neill: Ghosts are more afraid of you than you are of them.
Andrew O'Neill: Shoodly-bap-bap ba-doo-dap-bap-ba boodly bap bap baa (400 yards, turn left). Shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla shoodla-baddla (take the roundabout, third exit). Shoop-do-bap-ba-doo-da (turn round where possible). SCAT NAV!
Andrew O'Neill: Think advertising's never hurt anyone, do you? Try telling that to my mate PHILLIP BANG!
Andrew O'Neill: Why did Richard Dawkins cross the road?
Andrew O'Neill: Foxes glacier mints are getting smaller.
Andrew O'Neill: Orange peel, lemon peel, John Peel.
Andrew O'Neill: A head, half human, writhing with tentacles. A hand, withered and gnarled with age. A mouth, puckered and blue, clamped open in a silent scream. IF YOU HAVE TWO OR MORE OF THESE SYMPTOMS, YOU MAY BE DIABETIC. Consult your GP or Witch Doctor.
Andrew O'Neill: (sung)ROBIN HOOD! ROBIN HOOD! KEEPING ROBINS DRY IN THE RAIN! (From the people who brought you SPARROW BROLLIES!)
Andrew O'Neill: I'm not scared of knife crime. I always carry a blade! (A copy of the film Blade on DVD.) LOOK! SCARY VAMPIRES!
Andrew O'Neill: I had a cat that was born blind. Its alright though, I just forced reflective road markings into the front of its head.
tweetcomedy2: @destructo9000 - Andrew is at the Tron every night at 22:20 being an "Occult Comedian". Also, at 3pm a free show at Nicol Edwards Cinema
tweetcomedy2: @michaellegge is on now. hes finished wanking
Michael Legge
Michael Legge : /how am i supposed to type this sort of stuff up michael?
Michael Legge : michaels just talking to the audience, its difficult to type. at least hes stopped wanking at the back of the room
Michael Legge : michael is talking to @sternwolf
Michael Legge : . @sternwolf is a cunt
Michael Legge : . @smallportions is a cunt
Michael Legge : . @tiernandouieb is a stupid, stupid stupid cunt - we have to go now to get out of the room. will wrap it up in another room