tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig OK 5 minutes all! Can everyone who is not an act PLEASE stop tweeting the gig's hashtag - that includes retweets. It'll only clog it
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig OK is everyone ready?
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig Can everyone who is not an act PLEASE stop tweeting the gig's hashtag - that includes retweets. It'll only clog the gig. Ok - ready?
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig The gig is about to start - if you wish to heckle, please @reply to the act on stage. They might respond, they might not.
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig If you get too drunk and shout at your computer before being asked to leave by your mum/partner/friend that is your own fault.
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig now is everyone ready? Please welcome your host, Mr Tiernan Douieb! @tiernandouieb
TiernanDouieb: Ladies and gentlemen, animals, cartoon characters, spambots, trolls and twelebrities, welcome to the first ever Twitter Comedy Club!! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Tonight we virtually bring you 8 of the very best comedy acts right into your home in the most cost effective and legal way. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I'm going to be your host for this evening. My name is Tiernan Douieb, which is mainly because my parents are hilarious. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: And we will aim to cheer up your Monday, because everyone says Monday is the worst day. Personally, I think Doomsday's worse. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: *Joins queue for dressin room toilet tutting and fidgeting nervously* #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I won't be putting links between my jokes or you'll just click on them and look at other pages #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: So how is everyone? Give a *cheer* to @tweetcomedyclub and #twitcom if you're watching, and youre up for a good night of twitter gags #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Hope its lovely in your part of the world. Its rainy and crap here. I hate it. I suffer from seasonal affected depression...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: ...which is why I can't put any extra salt and pepper on anything or I get sad. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Tonight will be a bit experimental. Might be sort of experiment where you go to NASA and watch a rocket take off and fly to the moon #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Or could be the sort of experiment where you go to NASA and watch a rocket take off, it reaches 80ft and explodes and everyone cries #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Its nice to be able to put on a gig for free in these times of financial hardship. At the v.least you will get your money's worth. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Did think that the crunch didnt affect me as Im poor all the time anyway, so it just means more people to hang around with in the day #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If money was no object, then how would I pay for things in cash? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Really though its all about having lots of fun and I hope it leads to other virtual twitter entertainment based nights. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Perhaps a live Dick Twittington panto where he goes to London in search of 'Tweets paved with gold.' Possibly a live cookery event... #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: ...where theyll you how to boil an RTchoke. Then itll all go too far and some1 will die tweeting while suffering from a brain twumour #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I must say its great to be here. But thats cos Im in my flat and my flat's great. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Normally drive lots. Ive got a convertible. I say its a convertible. Its a car, and using the wheel it sometimes turns into a road. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Yesterday I was in Glasgow. I love Glaswegians, there are brilliant. Unless you get very drunk and decide that everytime you hear...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: ...someone say 'I'll just have a wee drink', thats its funny to shout 'Urgh! You drink piss!' They don't like that much. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Tonight will be the first show Ive done in my PJs. I once did a gig naked. It was to only one person though. She laughed at first...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Im also sitting here drinking a cupasoup. Love soup. Think it should be advertised with the line 'are you too lazy to chew your food? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: My favourite soup is miso. I like to think its soup that tells you just how soup it is. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: So hope youre all comfortable whereever you are and ready for the show. If you're not warmed up may I suggest putting the heating on? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: As an MC I should try and banter with you all a bit. Where are you all from? What do you all do? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I can't even see you to make 'hilarious' observations. Lots of comics do that. They always pick the same victims, like ginger people #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Well to show them up, it was recently proved that early man was ginger, which says that gingers are the basis for humanity. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Either that or it means they haven't quite evolved yet. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: For those creationists, 'evolved' is a word you use when you're a grown up. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: So forgetting the banter lets get you all participating in some cheeky celebrity tweeting. You up for that? #tcgig
RobHeeney: #tcgig I can't believe he's over-running ... I've a double-up on Myspace to get to!
TiernanDouieb: Before I do that, please can you not all use the hashtag! Its clogging up the stream for people that want to watch. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Right, The fave twelebrity couple are Ashton and Demi. Lets all send Demi (mrskutcher) my next tweet for a laff on my count of 3. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: @mrskutcher like when used with gods, does your first name mean you are only a half-Moore? #twitcom
TiernanDouieb: 1 #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: 2 #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: 3! Tweet it now! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If that bout of cheekiness to celebs hasnt warmed you up nothing will. Some rules for tonight....#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Firstly please do not use the #tcgig hashtag unless you are a comic on the line-up. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If you want to praise, applaud, cheer or anything else just @ reply the act, or #twitcom hashtag it #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If you want to heckle and criticise send an @ reply to @whydontyougoandfuckyourselfangryheckler #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Oh and please feel free to use this after any joke you like in the comfort of your own home: #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: So without further ado, give a very warm welcome to an act that made it to the finals of the US comedy leg amputation competition #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: 'Last Comic Standing' - *cheer* and *applaud* for the first act to take to the Twitter Comedy stage...@mattkirshen! #tcgig
MattKirshen: Hello #tcgig Hope this works
MattKirshen: #You seem nice. This is the first gig I've ever done with a visible erection
MattKirshen: #tcgig Which is bad as I'm at the back of Old Rope about to do a real gig. Still, they're all friends
MattKirshen: #tcgig Which is bad as I'm at the back of Old Rope about to do a real gig. Still, they're all friends
MattKirshen: #tcgig I guess I'll start with the only one liners I've ever written...
MattKirshen: #tcgig So I was in a limbo competition and the music started "How low, can you go?" I said "I once stole a dialysis machine
MattKirshen: #tcgig I think I'm allergic to swimming. It turns my piss blue
MattKirshen: #tcgig This is probably a huge mistake but I'd like to tell you a story. It happened to me in America last year...
MattKirshen: #tcgig There's a museum in LA I'd urge you to go. It's run by the Scientologists. And it's called Psychiatry: An Industry of Death
MattKirshen: #tcgig And it's mostly anti-psychiatry
MattKirshen: In fact, here it is:
MattKirshen: #tcgig. They are proper mental - you go in there and it first takes you psychiatry though the ages
GaryDelaney: *writes put downs on hand in preparation for a rowdy crowd, goes to toilet again* #tcgig
MattKirshen: #tcgig There's the Nazi room. As far as I can work out their argument goes "Some Nazis were psychiatrists... therefore all psychs are nazis"
MattKirshen: #tcgig Even the Jewish ones?...
MattKirshen: #tcgig At the end of the tour a representative approaches you. And I know nothing about psychiatry but I did do a maths degree
MattKirshen:#tcgig and I can still spot a bullshit statistic a mile off. So I was like Well it's a very interesting museum, but one or two facts are off
MattKirshen: #tcgig. Like In the school shooting room (seriously) you show that the kids from Columbine has psychiatric treatment first
MattKirshen: #tcgig But in the same room it says half a million american kids have had phych treatment
MattKirshen: #tcgig So if 500K have had treatment and only 2 do a shooting, surely 499999 kids don't. So the treatment's safe. Or unrelated
MattKirshen: #tcgig - by that token drinking milk leads to school shooting. Or wearing a hat. Here he is with a hat - there he is shooting. Ban hats
MattKirshen: #tcgig He said Let me ask you this: Huns have been around hundreds of years. First psych medicine 1961, first shooting 1962
MattKirshen: #tcgig But that's not true - neither guns nor schools have been around hundreds of years - not in their modern incarnation
MattKirshen: #tcgig Kids used to leave school at 11 to join the family trade. And you can't do a school shooting.. with a musket.
GaryDelaney: *quietly asks other acts if this gig is cash or cheque to follow* #tcgig
MattKirshen: #tcgig "YOU KIDS HAVE BULLIED ME FOR THE LAST TIME". *pours shot, then powder, then dampens it down etc*
MattKirshen: #tcgig Then our final argument and I swear this is true and on the wall there at the museum
MattKirshen: #tcgig It says one in ten psychiatrists or psychologists admit to sexually abusing or raping their patients
MattKirshen: #tcgig ADMIT! That's the mad bit. You wouldn't find 1 in 10 people on a prison ward that only houses rapists, admit to it
MattKirshen: #tcgig Let alone doctors.
RobHeeney: Does anyone know if we get a free drink? I hope so ... they're not giving us accommodation. Do I have time for a quick piss? #tcgig
MattKirshen: #tcgig Shit. I'm not going to have time to even finish the story. This was a massive overestimate as to how much I can type
MattKirshen: #tcgig Not even had time to look at heckles let alone respond to them
MattKirshen: #tcgig Probably for the best - I get the weird ones - got this one once and if it was ironic it would have been great but it wasn't
MattKirshen: #tcgig Genuinely got heckled once with "That's racist, you Jewish C***"
MattKirshen: #tcgig It was a joke about New Orleans, but I do believe if the meaning behind the joke is legit, so is the joke
RobHeeney: Whispers *Bollocks ...are we not allowed to say 'cunt'? * #tcgig
MattKirshen: #tcgig And the joke was simply "Given that the disaster happened somewhere called *New* Orleans, what'll they call it when it's rebuilt?"
MattKirshen: #tcgig Maybe they should do it the washing powder way "New Improved Orleans Ultra"
MattKirshen: #tcgig Now whiter than ever
MattKirshen: #tcgig I think that'll do for a closer. Thank you people. Heckle away and enjoy the rest x
tweetcomedyclub: Its @TiernanDouieb here! I've run out of frikkin tweets so using this account! #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Give it up for @mattkirshen! Please @ reply to him if you enjoyed it. Matts show at the Edinburgh festival will be at the Pleasance...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Hi, I'm Rob; I know what you're thinking ... and yes, I DO look like the bastard son of a Facebook status update and a text message #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Courtyard everyday at 22.00. And you can check some of his vids and stuff at Dont forget to follow him too! #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: oops ... I'm not even on yet.Bollocks. Shit. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Right next act (who will hopefully type quicker...Matts only got childs hands)...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Next up we have an act who will be tweeting all the way from the home of being able to open jars and do DIY, while farting ... #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: The Isle of Man. Please *applaud* and *cheer* and give it up for @RobHeeney!! #tcgig
RobHeeney: I'm a bit thick. I used to think a mongoose was a swan with special needs .. I thought it had Eider-down syndrome. #tcgig
RobHeeney: Apparently 85% of British men can't perform even the simplest of DIY tasks and need to hire a handyman. According to a Pole. #tcgig
RobHeeney: My mum only sees the positive in people ... which ultimately cost her her job as an HIV tester. #tcgig
RobHeeney: If red wine is the blood of Christ then I'm not sure I'm ever going to drink white wine again! #tcgig
RobHeeney: and definitely not Rose wine #tcgig
RobHeeney: hmmm ... bit of new material there making its farewell appearance #tcgig
RobHeeney: I'd love to know what Ripley would make of "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" #tcgig
RobHeeney: "Love at first sight" only works in retrospect. "Hello I'm Dave. I love you". "OK, Dave. Thanks for that. Mental!" #tcgig
RobHeeney: My granddad died while reading in the bath - although it was his fault as it was a Word for Windows document #tcgig
RobHeeney: When men (looking at a girl) says, "If I was 20 years younger", what they really mean is, "If I were handsome"... #tcgig
RobHeeney: I saw a Vampire kettle the other day. Grrr ... that really makes my blood boil! #tcgig
RobHeeney: If you tell someone that they look a million dollars, is that compliment worth about 30 per cent more than it was last year? #tcgig
RobHeeney: Did you see that John McEnroe won a seniors tournament just 8 days after a vasectomy? Incredible, seeing as how he was unseeded. #tcgig
RobHeeney: Went to Paradox n'club hoping to meet the girl of my dreams knowing she'd never go there. Maybe that's why it was called the Paradox #tcgig
RobHeeney: I finally managed to successfully steal a bike in Saudi at the THIRD attempt. I was riding down the road going, "Look. No hands!" #tcgig
RobHeeney: is it wrong to do a gig whilst on the toilet? Actually i think i know the answer. And no, I'm not. Or am I? #tcgig
RobHeeney: i like my coffee like i like my men, in that i never ever drink it. Well, not unless i'm really drunk to sober myself up #tcgig
RobHeeney: People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and should definitely view double glazing as a necessity rather than a luxury #tcgig
RobHeeney: ... once the double-glazing is sorted, stone-throwing should be fine. #tcgig
RobHeeney: ... oh yeah, and curtains are a must too. #tcgig
RobHeeney: They say you only play Twitter Comedy twice in your career, but it's more to do with the transitory nature of social networking sites #tcgig
RobHeeney: I hope you liked it. If not, I don't care ... I met this man at the IOM TT today! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Great stuff from @RobHeeney! Check out his website at and please follow him and @ reply if you enjoyed #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: yes I can tweet again. Never run out of words at a real gig. Scary. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Moving straight on, our third act has been said to have '“..the maturity of a 14 year old.” now be assured that as this is online, he #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: definitely older than that, and isnt just pretending so you can see his profile and he can chat with older boys. Welcome ...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: the Twitter Stage the very funny @CarlDonnelly! *cheer* and *applaud* #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: Evening everyone. It's a pleasure to be here, although, I was on Facebook last night so it’s a pleasure to be anywhere! Boom! #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: Have really been working really hard to get my set together for this gig. #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: It’s taken a lot of sleepless nights working on suitable material in the right 140 character format. #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: I hope you’re all ready for the bombs i’m about to drop? Let’s kick this monkey into space then shall we? #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: See you lot in 5 minutes! #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: Shit. @Major_Chavez spotted the flaw in my plan in that people following on phones are out of the loop. Sorry dudes! #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: Some people call it a cop out. I call it sheer laziness! Get it right people! #tcgig
CarlDonnelly: Anyways. I think i've set the benchmark for 'lowest effort of the night'. Beat that Twitter Comedians! I've been Carl Donnelly. Bye! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Cheeky bastard @CarlDonnelly! Please check out Carl's website at He will be at Edinburgh this year at the...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Underbelly everyday from 21.05. Do also follow him and @ reply. Yesterday he told me he would just be tweeting pictures of his cock. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: As he hasnt bothered. Here's mine: #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Our final act of the first section ladies and gentlemen, deserves a very warm welcome. Lots of *applause*, *cheering* and *whooping*..#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: For musical comedy maestro....@MitchBenn! #tcgig
MitchBenn: #tcgig Hello tweeps! (leaves appropriate length pause for imagined response.... that'll do, continues)
MitchBenn: #tcgig As some of you will know, I'm principally a composer and performer of FUNNY SONGS (faint groan of dread resounds around internet);
MitchBenn: #tcgig As such, a question much asked of me during the build-up to this event was - how the hell do you do funny songs over Twitter?
MitchBenn:#tcgig Well…
MitchBenn: #tcgig Um...
MitchBenn: #tcgig Only kidding! I’ve worked out what to do but it involves bending my own rules a bit. Normally I never write funny words to old songs;
MitchBenn:#tcgig … but today I’m making an exception. The words will appear here and you’ll have to sing them to yourselves. Now you DO know this tune
MitchBenn:#tcgig but just to make it more fun I’m not telling you what it is. Shouldn’t take you a minute to figure it out.
MitchBenn:#tcgig Everybody ready? Here we go (and keep refreshing ‘cos these will come thick n’ fast…)
MitchBenn:#tcgig Is this the real life?/No it’s the twitterverse/Life in short bursts of/Just one-forty characters
MitchBenn:#tcgig Stay in your house/And click on your mouse and seeee-/There is no need for actual activity…
MitchBenn:#tcgig Because it’s easy come, easy go, Follow or Un-follow/Anyway the topics trend, doesn’t really matter to me, to me(bong bong bong etc.)
MitchBenn:#tcgig Mama, I’m twittering/And I’m feeling slightly crazed/Been online for six straight days
MitchBenn:#tcgig Mama, life is almost gone/I haven’t even got up for a wee
MitchBenn:#tcgig Mama ooo-oo-oo-ooooo,You might want to get some help/If I still haven’t moved this time tomorrow/
MitchBenn:#tcgig Twitter on, twitter on, as if nothing really matters(bong bong bong bong BONG bong BONG bong…)
MitchBenn:#tcgig Too late, I’ve wet myself/Sends shivers down my legs/Boots are catching all the dregs
MitchBenn:#tcgig Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go/I can always use my iPhone on the lav
GaryDelaney: Go Mitch. I can't believe you've figured out a way to musical this gig up. Nice one. #tcgig
MitchBenn:#tcgig Mama ooo-oooo-oo- (send out for a pi-zza) I don’t want to tweet, I sometimes wish I’d never logged on at all…
MitchBenn:#tcgig (Go Brian!)
MitchBenn:#tcgig (Still Brian!)
MitchBenn:#tcgig (here comes the opera section, darlings!) dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum
MitchBenn:#tcgig I see a little grainy twitpic of a man/SCARAMOUCHE SCARAMOUCHE WILL YOU START A NEW HASHTAG #lyricsthathavegota-referencetodoctor-WHO
GaryDelaney: *acts headbang in dressing room* #tcgig
MitchBenn:#tcgig Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o Gallifrey-o and Skar-o PUNTASTIC-OOOO-OOO
MitchBenn:#tcgig I am not on TV, will you follow me? BISMILLAH NO! WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU Follow me! BISMILLAH! WE WILL NOT FOLLOW YOU
MitchBenn:#tcgig Directmessage directmessage directmessage let me go /And @neilhimself has a devil on a shelf for me, for me, for meeee…(headbang NOW)
MitchBenn: #tcgig NER ner ner ner ne-neddler NER ner ner neddler-ner (etc.)
RobHeeney: It's just Delaney. He's shitting himself! It's his biggest gig ever... and mine RT @GaryDelaney *acts headbang in dressing room* #tcgig
MitchBenn: #tcgig So you think you can spam me and twit in my eye/So you think you can love me and not @stephenfry
MitchBenn: #tcgig Oh baby - can’t do this to me baby, Just gotta log out-just gotta log right outta here (NER ner ner ner ne-neddler etc.)
MitchBenn: #tcgig (take it down, Brian…)
MitchBenn: #tcgig No-one really twitters/ Anyone can see/ No-one really twitters, No-one really twitters, to me…
MitchBenn: #tcgig (This is where the gong goes....) bonggggggg
watsoncomedian: @MitchBenn Brilliant!
GaryDelaney: He's nailed it. Is @MitchBenn going to be selling CD's in the interval? #tcgig
MsClara:#tcgig It's Mitch here using my Mrs's profile! Bugger! Blew my twits-per hour limit! Didn't know I bloody had one? all still here?
MsClara:#tcgig anyway, as I was saying, since Tiernan told me to treat this as a regular gig…
MsClara:#tcgig …I’m going to spend the last bit shamelessly plugging my merchandise! (there’s 6,000 of you; I’m ugly but I’m not stupid)
MsClara:#tcgig I’ve just set up my download store; new out today is my TWITTER EP–all my Now Show Twitter songs, inc. guest bit from @stephenfry
TiernanDouieb: Hooray for @MitchBenn! Great stuff. Mitch's website with actual songs you can hear and stuff is at Don't...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Forget to add him, although judging by all his followers, you probably have already. ;-) #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Now its time for a ten minute #twinterval or twintermission if you will. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Please use this time sensibly and go do usual interval things like go to the loo, get a drink, watch some telly, put the kettle on...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: to your cat, surf other less funny social networking sites etc and then we will return at 21.00 (BST) with more acts #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Listen to our Twinterval playlist from DJ & Producer @thelastskeptik check his website at #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: And give it up once more for @mattkirshen, @robheeney, @carldonnelly and @mitchbenn! Tweet you in 10! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Sorry, meant to be returning at 21.30! I clearly cant tell the time. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: @MitchBenn @TiernanDouieb What's this tweet limit? Scary. If I go dead half way through my set, that's what's happened. #tcgig
Robheeney: To everyone who asked, I'll be appearing in Edinburgh at the Canon's Gait, 7:10pm, (It ain't one-liners) - heads to bar #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: OK everyone - that's the end of part one - it's going ok if people please don't use the #tcgig hashtag.It's only for acts. Please remember!
TiernanDouieb: RT @ZAmmi easiest way to avoid hashtag blues, just tell people to click directly on to the comedians profile page to follow... Works. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig if hashtag idiots are causing you problems - suggest followng the acts profiles directly in part 2. Links @
tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig OK everyone ready? Were back for part two - please welcome back @tiernandouieb


Tiernan Douieb

TiernanDouieb: Welcome back to the second section of the Twitter Comedy Club! Did you all have a good #twinterval? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Couple of tips for this section from @ZAmmi and @rohaq. Either follow comics direct or go to #tccrowd to avoid spammers! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Did many of you have cigarettes in the twinterval? Smoking ban doesnt affect this gig. Unless you live in a public place. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I hate the smoking ban. Its unfair. Think of the thousands of magicians that have had to learn to disappear behind something else. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I had a scary #twinterval as I ate some nuts. I dont have a nut allergy but a friend of mine says I look like someone who should have #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Its exciting gigging on Twitter. I wasn't sure of it at first. Its the term 'following' that scares me. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If you say 'Im following you on Twitter', thats nice. But if you say 'I'm following you', thats a bit rapey. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I love the interwebs, but not as much as the @ sign does. Before email and Twitter other symbols used to just laugh at it. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Haha look at your stupid tail! It looks like a fish turd,' they would say. Now who's laughing out loud? Thats right L and O and L. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Worst online mistake I made was putting water on my Instant Messenger. It did not become a postman like I thought it would. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Best thing about tonight is that people all over the world can watch. Which means I no longer have to just disappoint people locally #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I'm guessing people are watching from lots of different countries tonight? Tweet where you’re from to #twitcom or @tweetcomedyclub #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: If you are from Europe, on behalf of the other liberal minded Brits, I'm very sorry for some of the MEP's we are sending to you. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: In mythology, the Griffin is part lion, part bird. Yet Nick Griffin of the BNP is all cock. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Its a sad day when we're sending BNP as our reps to Europe. Lets hope they dont turn up cos they're put off by all 'the foreigners' #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: All the UK parliament is in a mess at the moment. If Labour lose any more members it’ll be less of a party, more a gathering #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: I shouldnt really try and do political gags. It was only recently I realised that 'Trotsky' wasnt a Russian word for a small pig #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Ive also only just learnt that the Black Death wasn't a blaxplotation film where when Death appeared, funk music would play. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Before we bring on our first act in the second section, lets have more twelebrity tweeting cheekiness. *cheer* if you're up for that! #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Now there are three. Ashton, 50 Cent or Lily Allen (which may get me in trouble) which one? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: Right no responses. Lets start with fiddy. All copy, paste and send my next tweet! #tcgig
Robheeney: Interval rumour - *i've heard that Mirth Control have approached Twitter and undercut Tiernan's zero costs* #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: @50cent How does it feel now you are worth 31p or a whole 36 euro cents? Excited? Thats nearly a whole bag of crisps. #twitcom
TiernanDouieb: And because you asked, here's the Lily one, but you all have to copy, paste and send it, ok? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: @lilyroseallen cats die if they touch Lillies. Are you toxic to pussies too? And if so, why isn't James Corden dead? #twitcom
TiernanDouieb: Have that twelebrities! Hope you all tweeted them! Everyone warmed up for the second section? #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: btw if you didnt see them, thats cos they weren't tagged. Have a look at my updates for em. #tcgig
TiernanDouieb: That should have got you all ready to start the next section. Get those *cheers* and *applause* ready for the King of one-liners...#tcgig
TiernanDouieb: ...welcome to the Twitter stage @GaryDelaney!! #tcgig
Gary Delaney
GaryDelaney: Hello. Here are some jokes I wrote for you. #TCC
GaryDelaney: Jimmy Saville has been receiving hate mail. Apparently one letter was only the start of it. #TCC
Robheeney: Fuck @GaryDelaney's using the wrong hashtag. "Am i facing the right way?" No! #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Rolf Harris has been unwell for a while but sadly his Doctor can't tell what it is yet. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I used to play around with time machines when I was older. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: If you write 'rotaluclac' on your boobs and then stand upside down it says 'calculator'. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Just seen a picture of Freud's mum. She's hot! #tcgig
GaryDelaney: The BNP would have got many more votes, but when their supporters saw a cross on the ballot paper they set fire to it. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I hosted an Antonio Banderas lookalike competition on my boat but it sank and I ended up drowning my zorros. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I used to run the Iranian branch of Madame Taussaud's but it was almost impossible to make a prophet. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: 'The Disclaimers' would be a great tribute band. 'We are nothing to do with those ginger Scottish guys'. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Domestic abuse is more common in Scotland than in England or Wales. Which just goes to show that they'll batter anything up there. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I saw Newsnight but instead of in-depth analysis the host ran around eating dots and chasing ghosts. Last time I watch Jeremy Pacman #tcgig
GaryDelaney: If you're dying from an epilectic fit does your life flash in front of your eyes? Because that wouldn't help. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: As kids we always used to play 'Knock Down Ginger'. The hard part was getting hold of a car. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Apparently in a past life I was really gullible. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Went out for lunch today. The restaurant had a big sign saying 'The Chef's Special'. So at least that explains the food. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Hunting elephants for ivory. Tsk tsk. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: RT tweckler’smom @TheEntireNavy ‘I’ll take you all on lads. Pick a hole. No need to fight there’s room for all’. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: When the doctor told dad he'd got palsy his face fell. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I've got a French donkey. He goes 'Haw hee haw hee haw'. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Suggestion to Katie out of the Ting Tings. Maybe wear some sort of name badge? #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I bought a book to look up minor medical procedures but it wasn't much use as it's appendix had been removed. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I have decided to reinvent myself as the English Chris Rock. 'Man, I love red-headed people, but I hate gingers'. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: The woman out of Heart is now a mortgage advisor but finding market conditions tough. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: EU Trivia: The Benelux Countries were originally going to be called the Nether Regions. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Why are there no records of meetings of the premature ejaculators support group? Because there’s no one who can take minutes. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Just joined PornTwitter. I've now got nearly 400 swallowers. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: Bit disappointed by Walt Disney On Ice. It's just an old bloke in a freezer. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: My short lived career as an underwear model came to an end when I forgot my pants and had to do in my P.E. kit. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: They told the inventor of alphabetti spaghetti it would work, but he made them eat their words. #tcgig
GaryDelaney: I'm not surprised women are annoyed over the glass ceiling in the workplace. I wouldn't want to to clean it either. #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: I'm back #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: Found her! #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: Never ask Siamese twins 'can I join you?' #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: AC/DC’s 1975 Lock Up Your Daughters Tour visited Austria. #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: I think dolphins invented cancer just so they’d have people to swim with. #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: I caught my daughter masturbating. Finally. #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: Thanks very much, it’s been fun. For mailing list and complaints #tcgig
Tiernan Doueib
tweetcomedyclub: @GaryDelaney ladies and gentlemen! Brilliant stuff. Check out Gary's website at and be sure to add him too #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: follow @garydelaney2 everyone #tcgig - he ran out of tweets so tthis is the fix
tweetcomedyclub: And yep its @tiernandouieb again, ran out of tweets again! Which is why I'm not replying to that cunt @tweckler. #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: The gigs section on is broken but will hopefully be fixed this week. Thank you all. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: two announcements. My celebtweets were tagged #twitcom if you couldnt see em. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: also, @mitchbenn has an exclusive Twitter Ep at - exclusive Twitter EP for sale (inc. guest @stephenfry) #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Also specially composed Twitter Comedy song playable at #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Moving straight on we've an act whose 1st name rhymes with Terry and his surname rhymes with Saunders.... #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Yey! Its only that bloody @TerrySaunders! *cheers* and *applaud* to our virtual stage! #tcgig
Terry Saunders
terrysaunders: Thank you and hello twits. Normally doing standup I'm let down by my appalling mic techinique - but my typing speed is 74 wpm #tcgig
terrysaunders: I'm smoking in a comedy club, take that, the law #tcgig
terrysaunders: In fact, I once used it to wow a small Jewish woman in a Golders Green temping agency who refused to believe a man could type so fast #tcgig
terrysaunders: By the way, if you are a spotify user, fire it up now. We might need some mood affecting music in a bit #tcgig
terrysaunders: A special hello to UK twits, but only indigenous ones, so none of you descended from Viking or Roman occupation #tcgig #nickgriffinisacunt
terrysaunders: I am trying to raise awareness. I had a health scare recently, not a bad one, but enough to convince me I was definitely going to die #tcgig
terrysaunders: It happened one morning, when I woke up to find that overnight three body parts had conspired agianst me and resigned from my cabinet #tcgig
terrysaunders: 1 of 3: MY LEFT EYE WAS ALL SWOLLEN UP. I hadn’t gotten punched or stuck things in it the night before. So this was a bit of a worry #tcgig
terrysaunders: 2 of 3: MY LEFT NOSTRIL WAS SWOLLEN UP AND BLOCKED. I had a bogey I was saving for the morning that I now couldn’t reach. More worry #tcgig
terrysaunders: These two things weren’t really a major concern. That was until I noticed @terrysaunders symptoms 3 of 3: MY LEFT TESTICLE WAS ACHING #tcgig
terrysaunders: i decided to go the doctors, scared I was having the worlds shittest stroke #tcgig
terrysaunders: If it was then it really wasn't as exciting as the adverts would have you believe #tcgig
terrysaunders: I got to the doctors as quick as I could, battling through the swine flu panickers (aah swine flu, remember that? #ilovemay2009 ) #tcgig
terrysaunders: For the first time in my life it happened: The doctor was significantly younger than me. Certainly young enough to make me feel old #tcgig
terrysaunders: How young can you be to be a qualified doctor at? Answers on a hashtag please #doctorsarethisoldterry #tcgig
terrysaunders: This one looked about 17. When a testicle is aching I'd prefer an older doctor, in a bowtie and preferably holding a baby (see fig 1) #tcgig
terrysaunders: Fig 1: Terry's Dream Doctor #tcgig
terrysaunders: And she was an attractive female. I was about to insist she looked at at least half of my testicles. I began to wish I’d washed. #tcgig
terrysaunders: I told her what ailed me. Beginning with eye, trying to delay mentioning my unmentionables. Moving down to the nose. Then I paused. #tcgig
terrysaunders: I had this worry I always get at doctors. Should you use medical terms to or the words you'd normally use? #testiclesorballs? #tcgig
terrysaunders: To my eternal shame I went with the latter, and actually said “It’s my balls, doc.”. I said “Doc”. NB: I am not Bugs Bunny. #tcgig
terrysaunders: It would be easy to slip in that she smiled a bit at my words. But the truth is she looked an uneasy mix of scared and disgusted. #tcgig
terrysaunders: Though she wouldn’t be the first woman with that look on her face upon viewing my testes. #tcgig #bodoom-tsh
terrysaunders: She checked my eye, it was a stye. I'm not entirely sure what a stye is, but she reassured me that it definitely wasn't a cataract #tcgig
terrysaunders: Onto the nose. She told me what it was, and you never feel like you've wasted NHS time more until a doctor says to you "It's a spot" #tcgig
terrysaunders: So far my hypochondria wasn't justified, I hoped something was seriously wrong with the ball or I was really going to look stupid #tcgig
terrysaunders: Leading me to a bed with a roll of paper on it she pulled a curtain, between me and the door "in case anyone comes in" #tcgig
terrysaunders: I began to strip, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her I was a comedian "Dressed like that I thought you were a musician" #tcgig
terrysaunders: I wasn't sure if this was because I was wearing skinny jeans or the fact that they were round my ankles, like a musician (see fig 2) #tcgig
terrysaunders: “Fig 2" link
terrysaunders: She came into my curtained area, I'd made a fatal error. I should have pulled both jeans and pants* in one move, now I was trapped. #tcgig
terrysaunders: *for american followers, that's jeans and underpants #tcgig
terrysaunders: Now that I had to peel my pants down in front of a woman, I tried not to think sexy, but I couldn't get a certain song out of my head #tcgig
terrysaunders: for spotifiers #tcgig
terrysaunders: What is the protocol? Whip them down quick, like a plaster? Or peel them down slow? Which is least sexy? #tcgig
terrysaunders: Arguably it's going to be unsexy if its me doing the peeling (see fig. 2 again, but I would welcome tweets protesting this) #tcgig
terrysaunders: She finally got around to inspecting my poor aching testicle. Now, in my memory, she was kneeling down. I'm not entirely sure she was #tcgig
terrysaunders: for the first time I looked up, away from her medical hands. I noticed something about the room that had previously escaped me (fig4) #tcgig
terrysaunders: There was a window. And where the curtain had been pulled to cover the door it had pulled the other side round revealing the window #tcgig
terrysaunders: This window had its own curtains open and it looked out to street level. thereby people could see in. And could see this view (fig3) #tcgig
terrysaunders: fig 3: (censored)
terrysaunders: I didn't have the heart to tell her, she asked me what kind of comedy I do, I saw a child pointing at me from a pushchair #tcgig
terrysaunders: I told her I just tell stories about things that happen to me in my life. She said "I hope you're not going to talk about me" #tcgig
terrysaunders: I resisted saying"I wasn't going to until you inspected my aching ball in full view of the world" in case she gave me something nasty #tcgig
terrysaunders: She said she was going to send me for a scan, saying that "if something was to be wrong I'd feel terrible" I told her I'd feel worse #tcgig
GaryDelaney2: This set was a selection from stuff I'm writing for my debut Edinburgh show in 2010. Join the mailing list if you fancy it. #tcgig
terrysaunders: And so I went and got my left bollock bombarded with ultrasound (the best kind of sound) and sticky gel #tcgig
terrysaunders: Should point out though, I had to wait to be referred, took ages. But like an iphone ad, steps have been removed in this story #tcgig
terrysaunders: The hospital, full of the dead and notso dead, scared me.The ultrasound doctor wasn't as cool as his job title would have you believe #tcgig
terrysaunders: I'd gotten quite used to the ache. Like an old friend. The doctor was an older man, wearing a bowtie and bizarrely, holding a baby #tcgig
terrysaunders: He made me strip, I'd counteracted my earlier problems by wearing those trousers what strippers wear that tear off…and no underpants! #tcgig
terrysaunders: It was identical (the scan) to the what women have are pregnant (testicles aside), when they point out the babies arm and that #tcgig
terrysaunders: Not that he ever pointed at an image of my testicle and said "there's its arm" #tcgig
terrysaunders: He started to click, scan and whistle (I wasn't comfortable about that) but I couldn't see the screen. They were my balls, not fair #tcgig
terrysaunders: After about ten mins of this he pulled the screen round. He pointed at a dark line on the image of second favourite ball and said…. #tcgig
terrysaunders: "You see that worm, there" Those were the words he used. Worm… worm. he carried on… #tcgig
terrysaunders: "That's a clump of veins that might be causing the aching." #tcgig
terrysaunders: I said "CHOOSE YOUR WORDS MORE CAREFULLY PLEASE, DOC." #tcgig
terrysaunders: Two weeks later I got the results. I do have something wrong with me. Embarrassing, but it's my duty to spread the word of... #tcgig
a_f1podcast: terry here... I broke the too many tweets limit I'll be switching to tweeting from @a_f1podcast #tcgig
a_f1podcast: what a cliffhanger to get blocked on #tcgig
a_f1podcast: Varicosa. I have a varicose vein on my testicle. That's what's wrong with me. And it means the ache will stay forever #tcgig
a_f1podcast: for proof #tcgig
a_f1podcast: So I’ve started to use it to make decisions in my day to day life. One ache for coffee, two for tea #tcgig
a_f1podcast: Like he’s my superhero’s sidekick (Fig 4) #tcgig
a_f1podcast: (Fig 4) #tcgig
a_f1podcast: And that's my story. I'm starting a charity for varicose vein on balls sufferers - we should have a thin purple ribbon as our logo #tcgig
Tiernan Doueib
tweetcomedyclub: Terry ran out of tweets and is now using @a_f1podcast to finish the tale! #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Give it up for the brilliant @terrysaunders! All Terrys stuff is at including his brilliant animations #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: And check out too! #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: We are running so overschedule but the last two acts are amazing. Next are 4 very very funny chaps #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: They are brilliant and one of the top sketch groups in the UK. Lots of *cheers* and *applause* for @PappysFunClub! #tcgig
Pappy's Fun Club
PappysFunClub: Before we begin, let’s do our pre-gig ritual. We all get round in a circle and chant “AT LEAST WE’RE NOT GIGGING IN NOTTINGHAM.” #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Our pre-gig ritual only changes if we’re playing in Nottingham, when we gather in a circle and chant, “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.” #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: Hey everyone, I'm Brendan #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Tom: I'm Tom #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Ben: I'm Ben #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Mat: and I'm Matthew. Together we are Pappy's Fun Club #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: I don't like my abbreviation. "Br". It makes me sound cold. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Tom: I'm cold. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: - Mat: You should put some clothes on. Anyway this is us: #tcgig
PappysFunClub: NSFW #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Nice Subject For Wanks! #tcgig
PappysFunClub: That's not what it means Tom. Anyway, on with the show! #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Performing sketch comedy on Twitter isn't easy. We're normally quite visual. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: We're not going to be able to do the sketch where we all play curries, Korma Comedian. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: And the sketch about the Cosmetic Surgeon who used to be in a biker gang, Harley Street Davidson, is no good. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Or, the 'hashtag' (or whatever) is #tcgig.
PappysFunClub: We even wrote a sketch about Twitter. Unfortunately the cast is too big. It's got 140 characters in it. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Tom’s got a new game. Singing the song Thriller but replacing the word thriller with rhyming words. #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Cos it’s VANILLA! VANILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Cos it’s CHINCHILLA! CHINCHILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: George Forman GRILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Cos it’s MANILLA! En-vel-ope! . #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Everytime we do a text-based online gig we give out presents. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Ben: Last time I got Tom a paint set. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Tom: And I've put it to use. Matthew, I've painted you a picture! #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Mat: Oh. That's disappointing. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: - Tom: Don't worry. It's a picture of you being disappointed on receiving a picture of you. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: That's great. I'm a bit jealous, actually. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: - TOM: Well Brendan, I've painted you being jealous of Matthew being disappointed by a picture of himself. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Ben: What have you painted for me? #tcgig
PappysFunClub: - Tom: This. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Sienna MILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: GrooveJet by SPILLER. #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: We're pitching for a horror movie. It's called "Things That Are Only Scary For A Short Amount Of Time". #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Here are a few scene ideas! You'll shriek but then instantly recover.#tcgig
PappysFunClub: Thinking you've seen the ghost of a headless monk in your room when actually it's a dressing gown on a hook #scarymoment #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Thinking you've lost your phone when actually you're talking on it. #scarymoment #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Overhearing a parent telling off a child with the same name as you. #scarymoment #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Wow. That was scary... but only momentarily. I did half a shit. Let's do something more upbeat! #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Heinz Sandwich FILLER. #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Ben STILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig
PappysFunClub: This is the future of comedy. Not having to leave Pappy Towers to do a gig. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: In fact, today was our big spring clean. Ben cleaned a big spring. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: To help speed things up we get to choose music to play whilst we’re doing our chores. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Chariots of Fire theme tune slowed down ‘chore time’ to a near halt. It’s very difficult to buff brass in slow motion. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: I took the bins out and washed up on ‘Chores 2’ my new Nintendo DS game. Finished the level just as the boys were done cleaning. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Ben: The toaster was so dirty I decided to take it into the bath with me for a clean. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Spent the afternoon trying to resuscitate Ben. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Damon Albarn’s sideproject band, GORILLAz. #alt-thriller #notstrong #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Seal’s best single KILLER. #alt-thriller #kissfromarose? #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: I logged onto Second Life today. Alarmed to find that in his virtual world my avatar is spending too much time on the computer. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Br: Must spend more time online to ensure he has a more rounded existence. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Almost time to go. Just time for our final song. #tcgig
TerryWitter: There's not going to be a final song. I'm shutting this Twitter gig down. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Who are you, @TerryWitter? #tcgig
TerryWitter: I'm Terry Witter, the inventor of Twitter. I'm here with my friends Frank Acebook, Mike Yspace and Stephen Fry. #tcgig
TerryWitter: Twitter isn't about jokes. It's about boring minutae. You're making Twitter too entertaining. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Why are you shutting us down, @TerryWitter ? #tcgig
TerryWitter: It's not about comedy. It's about telling people you've had a cup of tea. Or you've bought some cheese. #tcgig
PappysFunClub: Why are you shutting us down, @TerryWitter ? #tcgig
TerryWitter: Not if me and my friends get there first. My song is here #tcgig
TerryWitter: and the lyrics are here. #tcgig
PappysFunClub2: PappysFunClub2: I guess we've been defeated. Goodnight everybody! #tcgig
TerryWitter: Aha! They've hit my special Twitter Limit... noooo, they've escaped to @PappysFunClub2. Foiled again!
Tiernan Douieb
tweetcomedyclub: Awesome work from @PappysFunClub. Please check them out in Edinburgh this year where they'll be doing 200 sketches in an hour! #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: They say a picture paints a thousand words, well they painted 140 characters. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Finally ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our final act of this evening. The last comedian to tread the twitter comedy boards...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: No doubt with some pear cider in hand, give it, *cheer* and *whoop* and *applaud* for Mark Watson @watsoncomedian!!! #tcgig
Mark Watson
watsoncomedian: Thank you very much.
watsoncomedian: Well, what a lovely night it's been. First of all give it up for all the acts you've seen so far... (this is a bit of protocol)
watsoncomedian: My plan is to run through some of most popular old gags, 'greatest hits' if you will. Then a bit of an interlude. Then some experiments.
watsoncomedian: I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.'
tweetcomedyclub: @watsoncomedian dont forget the #tcgig hashtag mark
watsoncomedian: Oops everything I've done so far has missed out the tag #tcgig
watsoncomedian: I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.' #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Or: 'NUTRI-GRAIN: JEWS CAN BACK OFF' #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Sorry about that technologically backward opening. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Always sad to see footballers misbehave. There's a Welsh phrase: 'if you have a promising career, don't jeopardise it with a rape'. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: South Africans can't do vowels. 'Secrets' and 'cigarettes' sound the same. A S. African asked me can I have one of your cigarettes... #tcgig
watsoncomedian: ...I said, well, I once masturbated in the British Library. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Four or five jokes already. This is better than I've ever done on Mock The Week. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: One person has heckled me. There's no time to respond now. I'll just psychologically torture her for the remainder of her life. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Are you imagining all this in an English or Welsh accent? Or a strangulated mixture of the two, like I seem to have these days? #tcgig
watsoncomedian: When Lionel Richie sang 'I'm easy like Sunday morning', he obviously wasn't trying to use the rail network. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Otherwise it would be 'I'm fucking difficult for no apparent reason, like Sunday morning'. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Mission Impossible III was a bit lacking in suspense I thought. 'Well, he's managed two. He'll probably crack this one.' #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Other poor sequels: 'Dude, Seriously, Just Take Me To My Car' #tcgig
watsoncomedian: And I didn't bother going to 'Monsters v Aliens' because someone spoiled the result for me. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: A poem (homage to @timkeypoet): Jim Steel. Got hiccups. From 1998 to 2003. But luckily. It was more fun than his job had been. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Idea for a novel: there's this guy called Harry Wizard, right. And he's amazing at pottery. I feel it needs a tweak. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Idea for a pun on the folly of cosmetic surgery: silicon implants? Silly-cunt implants, more like. Again, work in progress. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: I'm worried I may run out of either tweets or time. But this has been fun, all night. Shame on those who disrupted it. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Last couple of jokes: Well, as my dad used to say, 'money: you can't take it with you.' Which led to some pretty boring holidays. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: He also used to say: 'You can't make an omelette...' (pause) Very pessimistic man. #tcgig
watsoncomedian: Why does Cliff Richard never die? Is God keeping him alive to inspire us? Or just putting off having to meet him? #tcgig
watsoncomedian: My music as I walk off is 'Use It' by the New Pornographers, if you want to imagine it. I'm @watsoncomedian. Thank you very much! #tcgig
Tiernan Douieb
tweetcomedyclub: Give it up for @watsoncomedian!! Check out his website at and his blog at #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: So. That is the end of the Twitter Comedy Club for tonight. Hope you've all enjoyed it? #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: It was a mad experiment. If you've enjoyed then please let @tweetcomedyclub know if you'd be interested in watching another one. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Please also keep tabs on the real live stuff that our acts are up to as its really important to keep supporting live comedy. #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: For the final time please give it up for @mattkirshen, @robheeney, @carldonnelly, @MitchBenn, @GaryDelaney, @terrysaunders...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: ...and @watsoncomedian. Big thanks to everyone who supported it, especially @scallyg, @mushybees, @thelastskeptik... #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: ...Finally thanks to @tweetcomedyclub who made the computers all work and stuff. Please also check out my website...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: and come along to my Edinburgh show at 16.00pm everyday at the Fringe. Also..#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: .if you are in London come along to my gig Fat Tuesday tomorrow: #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: .and come along to my Edinburgh show at 16.00pm everyday at the Fringe. I've been @TiernanDouieb...#tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: Please think about the fact that Lionel Richie is both rich and looks like a lion #tcgig
tweetcomedyclub: And have a great rest of your Monday! Gnite! #tcgig