GaryDelaney: @MitchBenn @TiernanDouieb What's this tweet limit? Scary. If I go dead half way through my set, that's what's happened. #tcgig

Robheeney: To everyone who asked, I'll be appearing in Edinburgh at the Canon's Gait, 7:10pm, rom.com. (It ain't one-liners) - heads to bar #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: OK everyone - that's the end of part one - it's going ok if people please don't use the #tcgig hashtag.It's only for acts. Please remember!

TiernanDouieb: RT @ZAmmi easiest way to avoid hashtag blues, just tell people to click directly on to the comedians profile page to follow... Works. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig if hashtag idiots are causing you problems - suggest followng the acts profiles directly in part 2. Links @ http://tinyurl.com/kpq8uf

tweetcomedyclub: #tcgig OK everyone ready? Were back for part two - please welcome back @tiernandouieb

TiernanDouieb: Welcome back to the second section of the Twitter Comedy Club! Did you all have a good #twinterval? #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Couple of tips for this section from @ZAmmi and @rohaq. Either follow comics direct or go to #tccrowd to avoid spammers! #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Did many of you have cigarettes in the twinterval? Smoking ban doesnt affect this gig. Unless you live in a public place. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: I hate the smoking ban. Its unfair. Think of the thousands of magicians that have had to learn to disappear behind something else. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: I had a scary #twinterval as I ate some nuts. I dont have a nut allergy but a friend of mine says I look like someone who should have #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Its exciting gigging on Twitter. I wasn't sure of it at first. Its the term 'following' that scares me. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: If you say 'Im following you on Twitter', thats nice. But if you say 'I'm following you', thats a bit rapey. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: I love the interwebs, but not as much as the @ sign does. Before email and Twitter other symbols used to just laugh at it. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Haha look at your stupid tail! It looks like a fish turd,' they would say. Now who's laughing out loud? Thats right L and O and L. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Worst online mistake I made was putting water on my Instant Messenger. It did not become a postman like I thought it would. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Best thing about tonight is that people all over the world can watch. Which means I no longer have to just disappoint people locally #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: I'm guessing people are watching from lots of different countries tonight? Tweet where you’re from to #twitcom or @tweetcomedyclub #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: If you are from Europe, on behalf of the other liberal minded Brits, I'm very sorry for some of the MEP's we are sending to you. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: In mythology, the Griffin is part lion, part bird. Yet Nick Griffin of the BNP is all cock. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Its a sad day when we're sending BNP as our reps to Europe. Lets hope they dont turn up cos they're put off by all 'the foreigners' #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: All the UK parliament is in a mess at the moment. If Labour lose any more members it’ll be less of a party, more a gathering #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: I shouldnt really try and do political gags. It was only recently I realised that 'Trotsky' wasnt a Russian word for a small pig #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Ive also only just learnt that the Black Death wasn't a blaxplotation film where when Death appeared, funk music would play. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Before we bring on our first act in the second section, lets have more twelebrity tweeting cheekiness. *cheer* if you're up for that! #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Now there are three. Ashton, 50 Cent or Lily Allen (which may get me in trouble) which one? #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: Right no responses. Lets start with fiddy. All copy, paste and send my next tweet! #tcgig

Robheeney: Interval rumour - *i've heard that Mirth Control have approached Twitter and undercut Tiernan's zero costs* #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: @50cent How does it feel now you are worth 31p or a whole 36 euro cents? Excited? Thats nearly a whole bag of crisps. #twitcom

TiernanDouieb: And because you asked, here's the Lily one, but you all have to copy, paste and send it, ok? #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: @lilyroseallen cats die if they touch Lillies. Are you toxic to pussies too? And if so, why isn't James Corden dead? #twitcom

TiernanDouieb: Have that twelebrities! Hope you all tweeted them! Everyone warmed up for the second section? #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: btw if you didnt see them, thats cos they weren't tagged. Have a look at my updates for em. #tcgig

TiernanDouieb: That should have got you all ready to start the next section. Get those *cheers* and *applause* ready for the King of one-liners...#tcgig

TiernanDouieb: ...welcome to the Twitter stage @GaryDelaney!! #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Hello. Here are some jokes I wrote for you. #TCC

GaryDelaney: Jimmy Saville has been receiving hate mail. Apparently one letter was only the start of it. #TCC

Robheeney: Fuck @GaryDelaney's using the wrong hashtag. "Am i facing the right way?" No! #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Rolf Harris has been unwell for a while but sadly his Doctor can't tell what it is yet. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I used to play around with time machines when I was older. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: If you write 'rotaluclac' on your boobs and then stand upside down it says 'calculator'. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Just seen a picture of Freud's mum. She's hot! #tcgig

GaryDelaney: The BNP would have got many more votes, but when their supporters saw a cross on the ballot paper they set fire to it. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I hosted an Antonio Banderas lookalike competition on my boat but it sank and I ended up drowning my zorros. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I'm now 20 hours into my sponsored semaphore marathon, unfortunately I'm starting to flag quite badly. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I used to run the Iranian branch of Madame Taussaud's but it was almost impossible to make a prophet. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: 'The Disclaimers' would be a great tribute band. 'We are nothing to do with those ginger Scottish guys'. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Domestic abuse is more common in Scotland than in England or Wales. Which just goes to show that they'll batter anything up there. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I saw Newsnight but instead of in-depth analysis the host ran around eating dots and chasing ghosts. Last time I watch Jeremy Pacman #tcgig

GaryDelaney: If you're dying from an epilectic fit does your life flash in front of your eyes? Because that wouldn't help. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: As kids we always used to play 'Knock Down Ginger'. The hard part was getting hold of a car. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Apparently in a past life I was really gullible. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Went out for lunch today. The restaurant had a big sign saying 'The Chef's Special'. So at least that explains the food. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Hunting elephants for ivory. Tsk tsk. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I was thrown out of my cloning exam for copying the kid next to me. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: RT tweckler’smom @TheEntireNavy ‘I’ll take you all on lads. Pick a hole. No need to fight there’s room for all’. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: When the doctor told dad he'd got palsy his face fell. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I've got a French donkey. He goes 'Haw hee haw hee haw'. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Suggestion to Katie out of the Ting Tings. Maybe wear some sort of name badge? #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I bought a book to look up minor medical procedures but it wasn't much use as it's appendix had been removed. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I have decided to reinvent myself as the English Chris Rock. 'Man, I love red-headed people, but I hate gingers'. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: The woman out of Heart is now a mortgage advisor but finding market conditions tough. http://www.youtube.com/watc... #tcgig

GaryDelaney: EU Trivia: The Benelux Countries were originally going to be called the Nether Regions. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Why are there no records of meetings of the premature ejaculators support group? Because there’s no one who can take minutes. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Just joined PornTwitter. I've now got nearly 400 swallowers. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: Bit disappointed by Walt Disney On Ice. It's just an old bloke in a freezer. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: My short lived career as an underwear model came to an end when I forgot my pants and had to do in my P.E. kit. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: They told the inventor of alphabetti spaghetti it would work, but he made them eat their words. #tcgig

GaryDelaney: I'm not surprised women are annoyed over the glass ceiling in the workplace. I wouldn't want to to clean it either. #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: I'm back #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: http://www.twitpic.com/6vfv7 Found her! #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: Never ask Siamese twins 'can I join you?' #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: AC/DC’s 1975 Lock Up Your Daughters Tour visited Austria. #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: I think dolphins invented cancer just so they’d have people to swim with. #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: I caught my daughter masturbating. Finally. #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: Thanks very much, it’s been fun. For mailing list and complaints garydelaneymailinglist@yahoo.co.uk #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: @GaryDelaney ladies and gentlemen! Brilliant stuff. Check out Gary's website at http://www.garydelaney.com and be sure to add him too #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: follow @garydelaney2 everyone #tcgig - he ran out of tweets so tthis is the fix

tweetcomedyclub: And yep its @tiernandouieb again, ran out of tweets again! Which is why I'm not replying to that cunt @tweckler. #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: The gigs section on www.garydelaney.com is broken but will hopefully be fixed this week. Thank you all. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: two announcements. My celebtweets were tagged #twitcom if you couldnt see em. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: also, @mitchbenn has an exclusive Twitter Ep at http://tinyurl.com/njv7ue - exclusive Twitter EP for sale (inc. guest @stephenfry) #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Also specially composed Twitter Comedy song playable at http://tinyurl.com/mqko6q #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Moving straight on we've an act whose 1st name rhymes with Terry and his surname rhymes with Saunders.... #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Yey! Its only that bloody @TerrySaunders! *cheers* and *applaud* to our virtual stage! #tcgig

terrysaunders: Thank you and hello twits. Normally doing standup I'm let down by my appalling mic techinique - but my typing speed is 74 wpm #tcgig

terrysaunders: I'm smoking in a comedy club, take that, the law #tcgig

terrysaunders: In fact, I once used it to wow a small Jewish woman in a Golders Green temping agency who refused to believe a man could type so fast #tcgig

terrysaunders: By the way, if you are a spotify user, fire it up now. We might need some mood affecting music in a bit #tcgig

terrysaunders: A special hello to UK twits, but only indigenous ones, so none of you descended from Viking or Roman occupation #tcgig #nickgriffinisacunt

terrysaunders: I am trying to raise awareness. I had a health scare recently, not a bad one, but enough to convince me I was definitely going to die #tcgig

terrysaunders: It happened one morning, when I woke up to find that overnight three body parts had conspired agianst me and resigned from my cabinet #tcgig

terrysaunders: 1 of 3: MY LEFT EYE WAS ALL SWOLLEN UP. I hadn’t gotten punched or stuck things in it the night before. So this was a bit of a worry #tcgig

terrysaunders: 2 of 3: MY LEFT NOSTRIL WAS SWOLLEN UP AND BLOCKED. I had a bogey I was saving for the morning that I now couldn’t reach. More worry #tcgig

terrysaunders: These two things weren’t really a major concern. That was until I noticed @terrysaunders symptoms 3 of 3: MY LEFT TESTICLE WAS ACHING #tcgig

terrysaunders: i decided to go the doctors, scared I was having the worlds shittest stroke #tcgig

terrysaunders: If it was then it really wasn't as exciting as the adverts would have you believe http://bit.ly/8TTyE #tcgig

terrysaunders: I got to the doctors as quick as I could, battling through the swine flu panickers (aah swine flu, remember that? #ilovemay2009 ) #tcgig

terrysaunders: For the first time in my life it happened: The doctor was significantly younger than me. Certainly young enough to make me feel old #tcgig

terrysaunders: How young can you be to be a qualified doctor at? Answers on a hashtag please #doctorsarethisoldterry #tcgig

terrysaunders: This one looked about 17. When a testicle is aching I'd prefer an older doctor, in a bowtie and preferably holding a baby (see fig 1) #tcgig

terrysaunders: Fig 1: http://yfrog.com/0e74yj Terry's Dream Doctor #tcgig

terrysaunders: And she was an attractive female. I was about to insist she looked at at least half of my testicles. I began to wish I’d washed. #tcgig

terrysaunders: I told her what ailed me. Beginning with eye, trying to delay mentioning my unmentionables. Moving down to the nose. Then I paused. #tcgig

terrysaunders: I had this worry I always get at doctors. Should you use medical terms to or the words you'd normally use? #testiclesorballs? #tcgig

terrysaunders: To my eternal shame I went with the latter, and actually said “It’s my balls, doc.”. I said “Doc”. NB: I am not Bugs Bunny. #tcgig

terrysaunders: It would be easy to slip in that she smiled a bit at my words. But the truth is she looked an uneasy mix of scared and disgusted. #tcgig

terrysaunders: Though she wouldn’t be the first woman with that look on her face upon viewing my testes. #tcgig #bodoom-tsh

terrysaunders: She checked my eye, it was a stye. I'm not entirely sure what a stye is, but she reassured me that it definitely wasn't a cataract #tcgig

terrysaunders: Onto the nose. She told me what it was, and you never feel like you've wasted NHS time more until a doctor says to you "It's a spot" #tcgig

terrysaunders: So far my hypochondria wasn't justified, I hoped something was seriously wrong with the ball or I was really going to look stupid #tcgig

terrysaunders: Leading me to a bed with a roll of paper on it she pulled a curtain, between me and the door "in case anyone comes in" #tcgig

terrysaunders: I began to strip, she asked me what I did for a living. I told her I was a comedian "Dressed like that I thought you were a musician" #tcgig

terrysaunders: I wasn't sure if this was because I was wearing skinny jeans or the fact that they were round my ankles, like a musician (see fig 2) #tcgig

terrysaunders: “Fig 2" link

terrysaunders: She came into my curtained area, I'd made a fatal error. I should have pulled both jeans and pants* in one move, now I was trapped. #tcgig

terrysaunders: *for american followers, that's jeans and underpants #tcgig

terrysaunders: Now that I had to peel my pants down in front of a woman, I tried not to think sexy, but I couldn't get a certain song out of my head #tcgig

terrysaunders: http://open.spotify.com/track/4HIjW90Up9lXAxAmdxTa72 for spotifiers #tcgig

terrysaunders: What is the protocol? Whip them down quick, like a plaster? Or peel them down slow? Which is least sexy? #tcgig

terrysaunders: Arguably it's going to be unsexy if its me doing the peeling (see fig. 2 again, but I would welcome tweets protesting this) #tcgig

terrysaunders: She finally got around to inspecting my poor aching testicle. Now, in my memory, she was kneeling down. I'm not entirely sure she was #tcgig

terrysaunders: for the first time I looked up, away from her medical hands. I noticed something about the room that had previously escaped me (fig4) #tcgig

terrysaunders: There was a window. And where the curtain had been pulled to cover the door it had pulled the other side round revealing the window #tcgig

terrysaunders: This window had its own curtains open and it looked out to street level. thereby people could see in. And could see this view (fig3) #tcgig

terrysaunders: fig 3: (censored) http://yfrog.com/e3y5ej

terrysaunders: I didn't have the heart to tell her, she asked me what kind of comedy I do, I saw a child pointing at me from a pushchair #tcgig

terrysaunders: I told her I just tell stories about things that happen to me in my life. She said "I hope you're not going to talk about me" #tcgig

terrysaunders: I resisted saying"I wasn't going to until you inspected my aching ball in full view of the world" in case she gave me something nasty #tcgig

terrysaunders: She said she was going to send me for a scan, saying that "if something was to be wrong I'd feel terrible" I told her I'd feel worse #tcgig

GaryDelaney2: This set was a selection from stuff I'm writing for my debut Edinburgh show in 2010. Join the mailing list if you fancy it. #tcgig

terrysaunders: And so I went and got my left bollock bombarded with ultrasound (the best kind of sound) and sticky gel #tcgig

terrysaunders: Should point out though, I had to wait to be referred, took ages. But like an iphone ad, steps have been removed in this story #tcgig

terrysaunders: The hospital, full of the dead and notso dead, scared me.The ultrasound doctor wasn't as cool as his job title would have you believe #tcgig

terrysaunders: I'd gotten quite used to the ache. Like an old friend. The doctor was an older man, wearing a bowtie and bizarrely, holding a baby #tcgig

terrysaunders: He made me strip, I'd counteracted my earlier problems by wearing those trousers what strippers wear that tear off…and no underpants! #tcgig

terrysaunders: It was identical (the scan) to the what women have are pregnant (testicles aside), when they point out the babies arm and that #tcgig

terrysaunders: Not that he ever pointed at an image of my testicle and said "there's its arm" #tcgig

terrysaunders: He started to click, scan and whistle (I wasn't comfortable about that) but I couldn't see the screen. They were my balls, not fair #tcgig

terrysaunders: After about ten mins of this he pulled the screen round. He pointed at a dark line on the image of second favourite ball and said…. #tcgig

terrysaunders: "You see that worm, there" Those were the words he used. Worm… worm. he carried on… #tcgig

terrysaunders: "That's a clump of veins that might be causing the aching." #tcgig

terrysaunders: I said "CHOOSE YOUR WORDS MORE CAREFULLY PLEASE, DOC." #tcgig

terrysaunders: Two weeks later I got the results. I do have something wrong with me. Embarrassing, but it's my duty to spread the word of... #tcgig

a_f1podcast: terry here... I broke the too many tweets limit I'll be switching to tweeting from @a_f1podcast #tcgig

a_f1podcast: what a cliffhanger to get blocked on #tcgig

a_f1podcast: Varicosa. I have a varicose vein on my testicle. That's what's wrong with me. And it means the ache will stay forever #tcgig

a_f1podcast: http://bit.ly/41zZp for proof #tcgig

a_f1podcast: So I’ve started to use it to make decisions in my day to day life. One ache for coffee, two for tea #tcgig

a_f1podcast: Like he’s my superhero’s sidekick (Fig 4) #tcgig

a_f1podcast: (Fig 4) #tcgig

a_f1podcast: And that's my story. I'm starting a charity for varicose vein on balls sufferers - we should have a thin purple ribbon as our logo #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Terry ran out of tweets and is now using @a_f1podcast to finish the tale! #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Give it up for the brilliant @terrysaunders! All Terrys stuff is at http://www.terrysaunders.co.uk including his brilliant animations #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: And check out www.laughterinoddplaces.com too! #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: We are running so overschedule but the last two acts are amazing. Next are 4 very very funny chaps #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: They are brilliant and one of the top sketch groups in the UK. Lots of *cheers* and *applause* for @PappysFunClub! #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Before we begin, let’s do our pre-gig ritual. We all get round in a circle and chant “AT LEAST WE’RE NOT GIGGING IN NOTTINGHAM.” #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Our pre-gig ritual only changes if we’re playing in Nottingham, when we gather in a circle and chant, “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE.” #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: Hey everyone, I'm Brendan #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Tom: I'm Tom #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Ben: I'm Ben #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Mat: and I'm Matthew. Together we are Pappy's Fun Club #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: I don't like my abbreviation. "Br". It makes me sound cold. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Tom: I'm cold. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: http://twitpic.com/6xhry - Mat: You should put some clothes on. Anyway this is us: #tcgig

PappysFunClub: NSFW #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Nice Subject For Wanks! #tcgig

PappysFunClub: That's not what it means Tom. Anyway, on with the show! #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Performing sketch comedy on Twitter isn't easy. We're normally quite visual. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: We're not going to be able to do the sketch where we all play curries, Korma Comedian. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: And the sketch about the Cosmetic Surgeon who used to be in a biker gang, Harley Street Davidson, is no good. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Or, the 'hashtag' (or whatever) is #tcgig.

PappysFunClub: We even wrote a sketch about Twitter. Unfortunately the cast is too big. It's got 140 characters in it. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Tom’s got a new game. Singing the song Thriller but replacing the word thriller with rhyming words. #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Cos it’s VANILLA! VANILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Cos it’s CHINCHILLA! CHINCHILLA night. #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: George Forman GRILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Cos it’s MANILLA! En-vel-ope! . #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Everytime we do a text-based online gig we give out presents. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Ben: Last time I got Tom a paint set. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Tom: And I've put it to use. Matthew, I've painted you a picture! #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Mat: Oh. That's disappointing. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: http://twitpic.com/6xi78 - Tom: Don't worry. It's a picture of you being disappointed on receiving a picture of you. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: That's great. I'm a bit jealous, actually. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: http://twitpic.com/6xiby - TOM: Well Brendan, I've painted you being jealous of Matthew being disappointed by a picture of himself. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Ben: What have you painted for me? #tcgig

PappysFunClub: http://twitpic.com/6xif5 - Tom: This. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Sienna MILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: GrooveJet by SPILLER. #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: We're pitching for a horror movie. It's called "Things That Are Only Scary For A Short Amount Of Time". #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Here are a few scene ideas! You'll shriek but then instantly recover.#tcgig

PappysFunClub: Thinking you've seen the ghost of a headless monk in your room when actually it's a dressing gown on a hook #scarymoment #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Thinking you've lost your phone when actually you're talking on it. #scarymoment #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Overhearing a parent telling off a child with the same name as you. #scarymoment #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Wow. That was scary... but only momentarily. I did half a shit. Let's do something more upbeat! #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Heinz Sandwich FILLER. #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Ben STILLER! #alt-thriller #tcgig

PappysFunClub: This is the future of comedy. Not having to leave Pappy Towers to do a gig. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: In fact, today was our big spring clean. Ben cleaned a big spring. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: To help speed things up we get to choose music to play whilst we’re doing our chores. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Chariots of Fire theme tune slowed down ‘chore time’ to a near halt. It’s very difficult to buff brass in slow motion. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: I took the bins out and washed up on ‘Chores 2’ my new Nintendo DS game. Finished the level just as the boys were done cleaning. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Ben: The toaster was so dirty I decided to take it into the bath with me for a clean. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Spent the afternoon trying to resuscitate Ben. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Damon Albarn’s sideproject band, GORILLAz. #alt-thriller #notstrong #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Seal’s best single KILLER. #alt-thriller #kissfromarose? #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: I logged onto Second Life today. Alarmed to find that in his virtual world my avatar is spending too much time on the computer. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Br: Must spend more time online to ensure he has a more rounded existence. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Almost time to go. Just time for our final song. #tcgig

TerryWitter: There's not going to be a final song. I'm shutting this Twitter gig down. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Who are you, @TerryWitter? #tcgig

TerryWitter: I'm Terry Witter, the inventor of Twitter. I'm here with my friends Frank Acebook, Mike Yspace and Stephen Fry. #tcgig

TerryWitter: Twitter isn't about jokes. It's about boring minutae. You're making Twitter too entertaining. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Why are you shutting us down, @TerryWitter ? #tcgig

TerryWitter: It's not about comedy. It's about telling people you've had a cup of tea. Or you've bought some cheese. #tcgig

PappysFunClub: Why are you shutting us down, @TerryWitter ? #tcgig

TerryWitter: Not if me and my friends get there first. My song is here http://bit.ly/pfctumblr #tcgig

TerryWitter: and the lyrics are here. http://bit.ly/pfcblog #tcgig

PappysFunClub2: PappysFunClub2: I guess we've been defeated. Goodnight everybody! http://bit.ly/pfc #tcgig

TerryWitter: Aha! They've hit my special Twitter Limit... noooo, they've escaped to @PappysFunClub2. Foiled again!

tweetcomedyclub: Awesome work from @PappysFunClub. Please check them out in Edinburgh this year where they'll be doing 200 sketches in an hour! #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: They say a picture paints a thousand words, well they painted 140 characters. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Finally ladies and gentlemen, give it up for our final act of this evening. The last comedian to tread the twitter comedy boards...#tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: No doubt with some pear cider in hand, give it, *cheer* and *whoop* and *applaud* for Mark Watson @watsoncomedian!!! #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Thank you very much.

watsoncomedian: Well, what a lovely night it's been. First of all give it up for all the acts you've seen so far... (this is a bit of protocol)

watsoncomedian: My plan is to run through some of most popular old gags, 'greatest hits' if you will. Then a bit of an interlude. Then some experiments.

watsoncomedian: I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.'

tweetcomedyclub: @watsoncomedian dont forget the #tcgig hashtag mark

watsoncomedian: Oops everything I've done so far has missed out the tag #tcgig

watsoncomedian: I'm amazed they are allowed to promote Yorkie by saying 'IT'S NOT FOR GIRLS'. Imagine if it was 'SNICKERS - NOT FOR BLACK PEOPLE.' #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Or: 'NUTRI-GRAIN: JEWS CAN BACK OFF' #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Sorry about that technologically backward opening. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Always sad to see footballers misbehave. There's a Welsh phrase: 'if you have a promising career, don't jeopardise it with a rape'. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: South Africans can't do vowels. 'Secrets' and 'cigarettes' sound the same. A S. African asked me can I have one of your cigarettes... #tcgig

watsoncomedian: ...I said, well, I once masturbated in the British Library. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Four or five jokes already. This is better than I've ever done on Mock The Week. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: One person has heckled me. There's no time to respond now. I'll just psychologically torture her for the remainder of her life. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Are you imagining all this in an English or Welsh accent? Or a strangulated mixture of the two, like I seem to have these days? #tcgig

watsoncomedian: When Lionel Richie sang 'I'm easy like Sunday morning', he obviously wasn't trying to use the rail network. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Otherwise it would be 'I'm fucking difficult for no apparent reason, like Sunday morning'. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Mission Impossible III was a bit lacking in suspense I thought. 'Well, he's managed two. He'll probably crack this one.' #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Other poor sequels: 'Dude, Seriously, Just Take Me To My Car' #tcgig

watsoncomedian: And I didn't bother going to 'Monsters v Aliens' because someone spoiled the result for me. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: A poem (homage to @timkeypoet): Jim Steel. Got hiccups. From 1998 to 2003. But luckily. It was more fun than his job had been. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Idea for a novel: there's this guy called Harry Wizard, right. And he's amazing at pottery. I feel it needs a tweak. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Idea for a pun on the folly of cosmetic surgery: silicon implants? Silly-cunt implants, more like. Again, work in progress. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: I'm worried I may run out of either tweets or time. But this has been fun, all night. Shame on those who disrupted it. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Last couple of jokes: Well, as my dad used to say, 'money: you can't take it with you.' Which led to some pretty boring holidays. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: He also used to say: 'You can't make an omelette...' (pause) Very pessimistic man. #tcgig

watsoncomedian: Why does Cliff Richard never die? Is God keeping him alive to inspire us? Or just putting off having to meet him? #tcgig

watsoncomedian: My music as I walk off is 'Use It' by the New Pornographers, if you want to imagine it. I'm @watsoncomedian. Thank you very much! #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Give it up for @watsoncomedian!! Check out his website at markwatsonthecomedian.com and his blog at http://bit.ly/133aBo #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: So. That is the end of the Twitter Comedy Club for tonight. Hope you've all enjoyed it? #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: It was a mad experiment. If you've enjoyed then please let @tweetcomedyclub know if you'd be interested in watching another one. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Please also keep tabs on the real live stuff that our acts are up to as its really important to keep supporting live comedy. #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: For the final time please give it up for @mattkirshen, @robheeney, @carldonnelly, @MitchBenn, @GaryDelaney, @terrysaunders...#tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: ...and @watsoncomedian. Big thanks to everyone who supported it, especially @scallyg, @mushybees, @thelastskeptik... #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: ...Finally thanks to @tweetcomedyclub who made the computers all work and stuff. Please also check out my website...#tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: .....at www.tiernandouieb.co.uk and come along to my Edinburgh show at 16.00pm everyday at the Fringe. Also..#tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: .if you are in London come along to my gig Fat Tuesday tomorrow: wwwfattuesdaycomedy.co.uk #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: .and come along to my Edinburgh show at 16.00pm everyday at the Fringe. I've been @TiernanDouieb...#tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: Please think about the fact that Lionel Richie is both rich and looks like a lion http://twitpic.com/6xkul #tcgig

tweetcomedyclub: And have a great rest of your Monday! Gnite! #tcgig